Two Lawns Done

I think too much.  It’s just that.  Plain and simple.  I honestly think it is part of the reason mental illness found a home between my ears.  I stew in my thoughts.  I often can’t let them go.  And things have meaning to me, a lot of meaning.

Take, for instance, mowing the lawn.  Yup.  It is a hot and sweaty job that makes me feel liberated and empowered.

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I tried to mow the lawn for my dad when I was a little girl.  He had this old riding lawn mower.  And at probably 12 or so he let me try to do the lawn.

He wasn’t impressed.

After two attempts, he declared it looked like a racetrack and said I couldn’t mow it anymore.

I learned I was no good at it and that was that.

Another thing I wasn’t good at.

I tried to brush it off, but damn.  I took that thought deep.  I was no good at it.

Then I met the hubby.  We each had our own houses when we met (obviously) and I had this little teeny tiny lawn to mow.  I was paying someone but hubby had an extra mower and taught me how to start it, run it, and mow my postage stamp.

It was liberating.  I loved heading out there to mow my little spot.  I could do it.  I didn’t need someone else for this task.

Once we got married, me mowing the lawn took a backseat as three kids came in four years.  I was nursing one baby or another for 5 years, so I was kind of needed in the house.

Now, they are older and I am back outside part of the time.

I have joyfully taken on the job of mowing the lawn again.

Today, I mowed TWO lawns, while hubby cleaned the kitchen 😉 and then came out and did the trimming of the lawns.

I did it.  I did a task I had been told, and told myself, that I couldn’t do.  And that folks, is empowering.  I feel like a million sweaty bucks.

I love my dad deeply and the anniversary of his death is coming up Tuesday.  You’ll read a nice post about how much I love him, and I do, but right now, if he were here, I would choose the ever mature action of sticking my tongue out at him and saying, “I did it!  So THERE!”

 

Strawberries!!!!

It was late in the season, but the girls and I went strawberry picking yesterday.  The weather was perfect and we had a great time.  We each got to pick one pint, ride the train, have a doughnut and cider, and play in the play area.

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It was definitely worth the drive!

Beginning the Fix

As you may remember, I love PiYo, one of the Beachbody workouts.  I have also done the Brazilian Butt Lift, Insanity and now I am going to once again tackle the 21 Day Fix.

The Fix is a workout plan and eating plan all together.  I did the exercise once.  This time I am going to add the eating plan.  Yesterday I spent a ton of time researching recipes and making my grocery list.

It’s time to get real here.

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Here is my week one eating plan:

Daily:  Egg Mug

Lunch:  Strawberry Salad or Tuna Salad.  The strawberry salad is strawberries, almonds, spinach and vinagerette.

Dinner:  Macaroni and Cheese.  Meatloaf Muffins.  Shepherd’s Pie.  Baked Ziti.  Broccoli and Cheese Stuffed Chicken.  Flatbread Pizza.   Fried Rice.

You can get the recipes by clicking the underlined words.

I have not figured out snacks yet.  I think we’ll try it as mostly veggies and fruit and maybe tackle some special treats next week.

Each of my days will start with a 30 minute workout and then continue with healthy eating and walking.  The goal is to realign my eating to clean eating with good portion sizes.  I tried to also pick dinners that the family would like to bring them on the journey with me.

I need to lose weight.  I need to get healthy.  What have you done to successfully lose weight?  What is your motivation that helps you get there?

Applesauce and Tutus

When it all comes down to it, it turns out I am basically 4 years old.  Head on over to Project Semicolon to see how I am like my youngest, Patrice.

So Much More

A few weeks ago, I read an article about actress and singer Demi Lovato and her struggles with Bipolar Disorder.  In the article she said something to the affect of wishing people understood that Bipolar is much more than being too happy or depressed.

Amen.

It is so much more.

It is the mind playing tricks on you, telling you you are worthless, useless and your family would be better off without you–that if you would just end it all now, they could move on and have the life they deserve.  It is not just these thoughts making you sad, but these thoughts coming fast and hard, wearing you down, yelling in your head until they seem to be the only truth there is.

It is the mind playing tricks on you, telling you that you are beautiful telling you that everyone is in awe of your confidence, that you should take on just one more project, and another, and another.  Again, fast and loud.  It makes you want to spin in circles…until it makes you angry, very, very angry.  The sounds get too loud, the colors are too bright.  And finally, or sometimes as a combo, comes the anxiety that exacerbates the anger, grows the fear, causing the suffocating frantic feeling.

Both poles, moving faster and faster.  Both driving you to a point of desperation. Both telling you you need to escape but there is no place to go.  Both putting the fight or flight feeling on red alert.  Both ripping at you.  Both causing constant noise in your head.  Both destroying you bit by bit, every day.

Both.

Let Me Pray

I love to pray.  I do.  I love to pray for others.  Especially when I can’t do anything else for someone, I can pray.  Here is an amazing song that has always inspired me when it comes to praying.

Please leave requests I can lift up in the comments.

I Hate Food

I hate food.  I do.  Really.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love how it tastes.  A little too much.  It makes me forget what comes later…eaters remorse.

“Why did I eat that?”

“No wonder I can’t lose weight.”

“Why do I do this to myself all the time?”

“Why did I inhale those useless calories and then eat something right after it so the taste is just a memory?”

Why, why, why?

I’ve been trying to lose some weight.  I’m not happy with my size or my flab.  I love my legs,  but I hate the rest of my body.  I hate mirrors, they remind me of the weight I carry.

I exercise, faithfully.  Biking, walking, running, PiYoing almost daily.  I’ve got that part of healthy sorted out.  It’s the darn food that kills me.  I don’t know how to get a handle on it.  I keep saying today, I will be better…and I turn out worse.  I look at the yummy, and think, I don’t need that, or really want it, but it’s there and YUM.

Too bad I am not even done eating it before the eaters remorse hits.  And then every bite feels like lead in my belly.  Sitting there.  Mocking me.  Taunting me.  Hating me.

I say I run, but really I’m a big blimp with little legs.  I’m guessing most people think, aw, isn’t that cute–she’s trying to run.  I do walk.  Up to 12 miles a day, but for some reason no matter how much I do, it is never enough to make a difference.

I am frustrated and whiny about this right now.  I have a Dairy Queen blizzard hating me.  Sitting there.  Mocking me.  Taunting me.

Like I said–

I  hate food.

A Year Has Gone By

It hardly seems possible that a year has passed since I led a Postpartum Progress Climb Out of the Darkness walk to raise funds and awareness for perinatal (during and after giving birth) mood disorders.

We were a small crew but we had fun.

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I am not leading a climb this year, but I have decided to join another local group who are climbing/walking to raise awareness for perinatal mood disorders, including, but not limited to, depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, and psychosis.

I hope you will join us in walking (contact me for details) or use this link to donate to my climb.

Help us help families everywhere!

 

Another Mother Runner

Running has not been easy for a while now.  I’ve been dealing with desperate leg pain.

So I added compression socks.

Different shoes.

And felt some, not a lot, relief.

So I went back to my “soul” workout, PiYo.  I feel so strong even though I have a long way to go!

I began toying with and kind of decided to quit running.  Just accept it and walk…

Then this came from a sweet friend.

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She even got the book SIGNED for me.  I was blown away.  I immediately put the shirt on and had my daughter take some pictures.

Motivation in a little brown envelope.

Excuse while I go exercise to strengthen my legs!!!

And run.

Not Here But There

I know it has been quiet here.  My words seem to have left me.  I search and search for something to say here and am left holding nothing.  I want to write here, I do.  Last night I even dreamed of writing here, but alas, I am still empty.

I was able to put something together this week for Project Semicolon that you might enjoy.  Head over here to check it out.