Two years ago today my family sat together and spent my grandma’s last moments with her. We laughed and we cried as we lived together in each breath.
I mark time. I always have. Memories, anniversaries sit there waiting for their moment. Waiting for the chanced to be breathed in and out once again.
Two years ago it came time to mark the final moments with my grandma.
On December 12 my mom had called to say it was time to come home to see grandma. I had a cold so took a nap to prepare for the drive up. And then my grandma rallied so I told my mom we weren’t going to come–I didn’t want to make anyone sick. The next call was to come…it seesawed back and forth a bit until my hubby came home and declared, “no, we’re going.” Hubby and girls dropped me off at my grandparents for the next day and half to be with my family.
My grandparents have always been a huge part of my life. I spent a lot of time with them. Playing with baby dolls and a fisher price telephone. My grandma sewed dresses, halloween costumes, doll accessories. One year my grandma decided my cousin and I should experience a fancy lunch so she took us to a resort in the area that had a beautiful restaraunt. She made me chocolate dipped pretzels each year for Christmas.
I could list things all day. I really could.
My grandparents were snowbirds for many years–they headed for warmer climates when our harsh winters were settling in. Oh how I missed them when they were gone. They were a safe place to me.
And here we were. In the final hours with my grandma.
As I walked in to her room, having no idea how to act or what to say I said, “I love you grandma” and she spoke what would be her last words “I love you.”
And just two hours later we marked the moment of my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary. Fifty years. They were a team. Each having their strengths and their challenges. Having each other to lean on.
Two years later and time keeps going. Chaotically and in ways none of us ever imagined but it keeps going–waiting to be noticed, waiting to be tucked away.
I don’t know if my soul can bear all these days since then. I am buckling under the weight, the grief, the uncertainty.
I need my grandparents desperately right now. I need that safe place. I need to have them, not their time.