I’m the mama

In case you didn’t know, I’m the mama in this house.  And sometimes I am not sure I want to be.  Today was one of those days.

Caitlyn has some breathing issues.  Okay, so some people would call it asthma, but for now, I don’t want to.  I am just not ready for that label.  I don’t want her to have that label.

I have a history of Multiple Sclerosis.  I say a history of it because after years of massive doses of steroids, in and out of the hospital, use of a wheelchair and hand controls on my car, I have been in really good shape for almost 5 years.  Pregnancy and breastfeeding has been very good for me.  My Neurologist has even started to talk about my MS being a mild form.  He says we know hormones play a role in causing MS, and we know they can play a role in changing it. 

But before things got good, things were rough more often than not. And even when they were “good” I lived with a label, I had MS.  Everything I wanted to do was tempered by the thought it may not be a viable choice because I might get sick.  Even if I did something, I might not be able to continue because things might get bad.  It stunk.

But the Lord is gracious.  In my case, He used the steroids to do even more good than the doctors expected.  It sometimes took a long time, but I always returned to a strong baseline.  And he brought me to amazing doctors who believed their job is/was to allow me to live a normal life while they worried about how to take care of issues that may develop.  He also brought me a husband that loved me enough to walk through whatever my health may bring.

But regardless of where the MS is and may go, it is still a label.  And I would rather not have it.  And I would like to keep my daughter from a label as long as possible.

Until February we had a great winter with very little illness.  Then a cold got us.  And that is what gets Caitlyn.  For a couple weeks we thought it was just a cough wanting to hang on.  Finally one day hubby and I both realized this was likely her breathing issues again.  So we started the breathing treatments.  Took her to the doctor, who upped the number of treatments and gave us a script for prednisone.  For a couple days I thought were going to need the steroids.  Then she started to improve. 

Enter a new virus, and whammo, she got sicker quick.  Today she started the day by throwing up all over the kitchen.  It was gross and her being sick freaked me out.  So I called the doctor and got an appointment.  Turns out we now need to add antibiotics and more breathing treatments.  And if things get worse, we add the steroids. 

I hate to see her sick, I hate to be watching her cough.  I hate wondering if we will need more meds.  I hate wondering if this is developing into asthma.  I hate wondering how long we will deal with the breathing issues. 

I am the mama and right now, I am not entirely thrilled…

Survive til you Thrive!

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