Jumbled Thoughts of Struggle and Joy

I have been enjoying the exercise of counting my blessings on Mondays while joining in

If for nothing else but the beautiful song that plays on the host’s blog.  It is the most soothing song I have ever heard.  Yet it is unsettling.  I don’t think it is the notes themselves, but how the notes and the rhythm blend together into this song I associate with the lovely blog where it finds a home.

The writer’s words and thoughts unsettlingly beautiful.  Her perspective pushes my heart to think a little harder, a little deeper and yet, she writes of being thankful for the same types of things I am thankful for.  It creates a tension.  I can’t quite say I relish in the tension, but it is there to explore when my mind and heart are quiet.

Truth be told, my mind and heart are not often quiet right now.  I am sure I have mentioned before, I have learned I am not quiet when walking through depression.  Quite the contrary, I am busy.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  I do not want my girls to see me sad; I do not want them to suffer, so I keep going.  Sadness, confusion and frustration cannot catch me.  Overall, I am doing much better, but I still find it impossible to slow down.  It is impossible to sit and be.

Keeping a happy face is not my only reason for moving, going.  I also know if I slow down I will have to recognize this new place the Lord has brought me to.  He has brought me out of my comfort zone.  I’m not sure why.  I see some glimmers, the story of Postpartum Depression has been told a few extra times because of this path I have walked, a local doctor who can help other mamas has been found.  I see glimmers.

There might be more to it than that.  I am not ready to see it yet.

I am just getting some of my footing back, some of my equilibrium reestablished.  If I slow down, how will the Lord use this work in me?  Might he be trying to peel back more of my layers?  Does He have a plan to move me even further out of my comfort zone?  Will I be able to understand where He is leading me?  Can I trust Him in the uncertainty?  Can I put my hand in His hand?  More importantly, can I put my heart in His hand?

Survive til you Thrive!

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