I Am No Theologian

I am no theologian.  Let’s just get that out there.  But I am a Christian.  And there are a few things I believe to be true.

I believe Jesus is the Son of God, that He was born a man of the virgin Mary, that He lived a sinless life, died on the cross for our sins, rose from the grave after three days and ascended back into heaven where He sits at the right hand of God the Father.

I belive in the power of prayer.  I believe it is important to have that communication with God.  I believe He always hears us.  I believe He answers in the way He sees fit.  I know it is not always the way I think He should answer.  I believe He is able to heal us of all diseases and does so.  I believe sometimes He heals without the use of medicine, I believe sometimes He waits until we are in heaven to heal us completely.  And I believe sometimes He uses medicine to bring about healing in our lives.

And I believe that sometimes that is not the way I wish He would do things.  I most certainly wish the postpartum depression were gone.  I wish it would have never come in the first place.  I could have lived my whole life without experiencing the depression and anxiety of the last 9 months.

When it became apparent the postpartum depression was not going to leave on it’s own, my midwife and I began talking about possibly using an antidepressant.  I really struggled with that.  I really struggled with not being able to read my Bible enough or pray enough to get rid of the depression and anxiety.  I worried about what needing medication for my mental health would do to my witness as a Christian.  Would people see that as a failing in my faith?  Would it make non-believers, and believers, think my faith wasn’t strong enough or my God wasn’t big enough?

To be honest, I still worry and wonder.  Am I weak?  Am I not allowing God to work mightily enough in my life?

My friend Ali talked about postpartum depression in one of her recent posts.  She asks some very important questions, including am I overtired, am I exercising enough, and the tougher ones, how is my prayer life, am I spending time reading my Bible.  Everything she asks are valid questions.  And important to ask.  And I have asked them.  And they are a key place to start before making any decisions.  We do need to be taking care of ourselves in the basics of our physical life and our spiritual life.  Things go sideways when we are not doing so.  Rough times gets rougher if we don’t take care of ourselves.

And I will admit, I am lacking in some of those areas.  Could this time with postpartum depression be easier if I weren’t?  Maybe.  Do I wish I could pray my way out of this?  Definitely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But after asking myself the questions Ali brings up, I found something was still needed.

Right now the Lord is working in my life through medication and treatment, through help from other Christians lifting me up and carrying me, through introducing me to other ladies who are walking the same road of PPD.  I don’t know why I must go through the PPD, but through it seems to be my only option.  So I walk through it.  I cast my burdens upon the Lord.  I ask others to lift me up in prayer.  And I learn to trust the Lord more.  He knows the plans He has for me.  He knows why I am walking the road I am on.  He knows He is not punishing me.  He knows what the future holds.  And I know I will be okay because I know He holds the future.  And He holds me.

I pray you are able to let Him hold you in whatever joy or struggle you are living right now.  I pray He is drawing you closer to Himself regardless of the circumstances of your life.  And I pray my struggle with PPD has not confused your view of God.  He is all powerful to heal and to save.  I am frail and weak, but He is not.  Please know God wants to know you personally.  He wants to walk with you throughout all that is in your life.

Please let my blog, thoughts and Christian walk point you toward God, not away.  I am by no means perfect, but I desire to see the Lord working in my life and in yours.  Please ask me questions if something you see in my life is confusing, please ask if there is something I can join you in praying about.  Please know my heart is to see His glory, no matter how I might be acting!  Please.