Everyone should have Someone Multitude Mondays 128-130

Isn’t she beautiful?  Hard to believe we are less than a month from her 1st Birthday!

And she now looks like this.

And as you know the journey of the last 11 months has had it’s ups and downs.  Never because of my girls, never once did I regret any of them, blame any of them or wish life with them were any different.  But it has still been a challenging ride.

As you might remember, part of the ups and downs started at 35 weeks gestation when our baby decided to go breech.  My midwife immediately came up with a plan.  She knows me.  She knows I would go crazy knowing things were out of whack without anything to do about it.  So she sent me to her chiropractor, gave me exercises and lots of hugs.  The next 5 weeks were a crazy topsy turvy experience as baby went breech, not breech.  Breech, not breech.  Over and over.

Through it all I was a nutball of emotions.  So many people encouraged me.  And one that really stuck with me was my midwife.  She sent me encouraging e-mails, answered my pleas for help.  She was a friend.

And with her help, her namesake Patrice came into this world safe and sound.  (not breech)  Her care continued through the postpartum period as it became apparent I needed some help sorting out the hormones and emotions that came after Patrice arrived.  She answered more e-mails than I can count.  Let me cry.  Encouraged me.  Walked every step of the way.  Above and beyond all call of duty.  Her compassionate care and friendship saved my life more than once during the postpartum depression.

She and I continue to communicate via e-mail.  I am so glad to report that I am feeling much better when it comes to my emotions and hormones.  Much better.  But there is one area that still eats at my soul.  I had a partial shot of Nubaine (narcotic painkiller) during Patrice’s birth.  I had planned on a completely unmedicated birth.  But in the end I couldn’t do it.  And this has caused me no end of consternation.  My midwife and I were talking about that today.  And that sweet woman told me to blame her instead of myself.

She is amazing.  She is truly amazing.  I don’t  blame her.  It was my failing.  It was too much for me to handle.  It is no one’s fault but mine, but my heart will forever remember how she was willing to take that burden away from me.

Everyone should have someone like her in their life.  And for her I am thankful.

128.  my midwife, my friend

129.  my Patrice who has learned to crawl on her knees, pull herself to a stand and the ASL sign for more

130.  my girls who still absolutely adore their baby sister

Join me over at A Holy Experience as we count that which we are thankful.
Survive til you Thrive!

6 Responses to Everyone should have Someone Multitude Mondays 128-130

  1. Why do you torment yourself in this way? Your pain threshold is something you have zero control over. You gave birth. Pushed a human from your girlie bits… and your beautiful Patrice was born and is here. There's no failure in that.

  2. signingcharity

    I have VERY high expectations of myself and I did not meet them=I failed. That is the risk you run often being a closet perfectionist.

    And actually, I have pushed three of them out, only one with an epidural.

  3. I can do understand, and so can so many other ppdmamas because we all place too high expectations on ourselves. If it helps, think of it this way: your baby is happy and healthy. Your baby loves you (immensely and unconditionally). Your baby would (and does) forgive you.
    Now you just have to forgive yourself. It was one moment, one choice, you made it. It may not be the choice you'd planned or that you'd prefer but things happen. And that's OK.

  4. mammacockatoo

    I can understand too. All of my births went well by most people's standards, but there are parts of all of them that I wish I could have done differently. I suspect that even if I had done all those things perfectly, there would still be something I have difficulty reconciling.

    But we make choices in the moment, and pregnancy/labour/birth are extremely sensitive times for big decisions. You did the best you could in that moment, and you continue to do the best you can with the choices you are presented with. I hope you are able to work through your feelings, and find a way to forgive yourself. I know how hard that can be, and we're here for you.

  5. signingcharity

    Thanks ladies. I also had beautiful births, especially my 2nd and 3rd ones. And they were 99.9% of what I could have ever dreamed of. My midwife sent me a beautiful e-mail last night telling me what a wonderful birth Patrice's was and how proud I should be of myself. It helps a lot.

  6. Charity, first of all, you are not a "closet" perfectionist. You are a perfectionist straight up and simple. It is part of what makes you who you are, so just own it! While it may drive you crazy, it is something that pushes the rest of us to expect more of ourselves in writing that one last Brit Lit research paper or making the decision to use cloth diapers. You are not perfect, but striving to be is not a sin. 🙂

    Secondly, I have seen you in pain. Not childbirth, but other pain. You don't give in to pain until it overtakes you. If you took a shot, you NEEDED the shot. Your midwife is incredibly generous to take the "blame" for the shot being given, but maybe, just maybe, it was because she could see you as you could not see yourself and helped you the only way she could in that moment.

    Charity, it has been a privilege to know of your impeding birth, the joy of Patrice's arrival, and to pray for you through PPD. Don't beat yourself up about this. Let it go and fill the space with loving on your girls.

    Love you! AMY

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