Just a Couple Days Ago…

 This was just a couple days ago, right?  It was just a couple days ago we had our first daughter, right?

 Our first bloody peek?  Tell me it was, please tell me it was just a few days ago…
No, you won’t comfort this mama with a lie?  You’re going to make me face it, face the truth that a few days ago we did this…

 We headed to our first day of Kindergarten on Tuesday, September 6…

 Honest to goodness…my first baby went to Kindergarten this week…

Look at her.  Isn’t she amazing?  She is doing so well in school.  She is learning the ropes.  She is coming home with new ideas every day.  She is making new friends.  Today she told me, “I made 4 new friends.”  “What are their names?”  “I don’t know.”  Ahhh, this might be why childhood seems simpler, no concern with the extra details, like names. 

This has been a challenging week for mama.  Today, for the first time Caitlyn cried when I dropped her off for school.  Sobbed really.  Sobbed til there was snot running down her nose.  I know, I know, she was done before I even got out of the school, but it was still hard.  I realized that for the first time in her life, since those pictures taken above, that I could not check on her to make sure she was okay.  She was in a completely different world…one I can’t shape or control. 

Since the moment those pictures above were taken, I have been haunted by the thought that my job, from that moment, was to raise her to leave me.  From that moment, the midwife and nurses needed her, her daddy could now share in her.  I cried daily for the first 5 months of her life that she was growing up so much.  Hey, I did, just being honest here.  Before I even went back to work, I hyperventilated in Target because my baby was growing up.  Yeah, I’m kind of a sap.

Well, this week was the first time I really had to let her out of my control.  We have always chosen our daycare very carefully so that we would have as much control as possible.  And minimized the time our kids were away from us, but now, we are in a new realm.  Someone else has decided how much of the day she is away from us, they are teaching her new things, and while we are involved, we are more support staff. 

I’m not sure I like it, well I’m pretty sure I don’t.  But at the same time, I like watching her learn.  I love seeing her come home excited over the new things she is seeing and doing.  I loved seeing her owl picture she colored on the first day.  And the book she colored and put together today.  And the air of independence she is getting.  It is amazing.

So, as I have been many times since that first picture was taken, I am a conflicted ball of thoughts and feelings.  And while it’s not exactly comfortable, it is where we are, so, for now, it will have to be Enough.

Survive til you Thrive!

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