Things I Can’t Think About

I’ve been seeing this blog hop, or meme, pop up around twitter.  So I thought I would try it…

I had this baby, yup, I did, 13 1/2 months ago and she is crazy amounts of wonderful.

yes, she’s sitting in the dog bowl, holding the bowl that belongs in that spot

Adding her to our family was awesome.  The ensuing postpartum depression and anxiety has been, well, a little less awesome, but a learning experience.  And recently I have been learning about triggers.  They are, loosely defined, things that can cause a step backward in the depression recovery journey.  And those darn things seem to be everywhere.

I am doing much better, but there are things that keep popping up. Things I can’t think about much, or at all, without a tailspin.  It is exhausting keeping the mind away from those issues.  I’m going to risk a rough time by laying them out here.  I am hoping by naming them, they will lose some power.

I can not think much about Patrice’s birth.  It was amazing and wonderful, but I have a lot of feelings of failure associated with using pain meds during her birth.  I love talking about her birth, but at the same time, it is such a quagmire of emotions, I have pushed it further and further away.

I have a hard time with the news.  Listening to conversations or news reports about the economy are huge button pushers.  I know things are bad.  I know where I live.  It has just become part of our psyche.  But I do my darndest to not talk about it or listen to conversations about it.

A new one, the season of fall.  This time last year things were going crazy out of control for me.  Bad.  October 1 will be one year since I started medication to try and control the depression and anxiety.  And it is fall here.  And a wonderful time of the year, but right now, I am being careful about where I let the sights, sounds and smells take me mentally.

Mentally, I can not revisit my time in the hospital for the postpartum issues.  That 24 hours was bad.  The anger and sadness I end up with when I think about it…not good for me.  Not good at all.  I had bad care with poorly informed doctors who did nothing to help me.

I have to stay the heck away from news stories about mom’s who hurt their babies due to postpartum issues.  Wow.  That one is so bad.  There are not words.

Thank you for letting me pour out my heart about the things that can cause a rough postpartum day.  Thankfully, I am learning to identify these issues, steer away from them and reach out for help when they get to be too much.  One day at a time, I am getting better.  Much better.

Check out what others are pouring their hearts out about.

Survive til you Thrive!

9 Responses to Things I Can’t Think About

  1. Although many of these topics don't set well on me, I can't even begin to imagine how much you suffer with them. Prayers for your peace.

  2. iseeyoulookingatme

    You are brave, and I have chills now. I, too, pray that you will find peace. I have bipolar disorder. And a 2 1/2 year old and a 6 week old. Today I go it to have the procedure to ensure no more pregnancies. Them I can't handle!! I'm excited to have a whole family, and to know I will NEVER have to do that again.

  3. I had PPD although didn't realize it until years later (it wasn't severe but it existed) so I understand the feeling of walking a tightrope of triggers and negative emotions. I still never watch or read most news. Sending positive thoughts your way.

    Shell's link up is fabulous and it's also my cheap therapy. 😉

  4. I'm glad you are doing better. ANd welcome to PYHO. 🙂

  5. At least you know your triggers. Hopefully even just knowing those will help.

  6. Charity, we talked about PPD in my birthing class last night, so I, of course, thought of you. In good news, my instructor also went through PPD so she was able to share with the class a lot of the same things you have shared. I have a plan and I hope not to use it. But I have it because I know it could come in handy.

    Thank you for continuing to be open and transparent with your emotions and fears. It is making a difference.

    I pray that the rest of the season bring you peace that bleeds into joy. Keep focused on your family and friends and the One who holds you closer than any of the rest of us could.

    Love you!

  7. Deep breaths…
    I used to love fall. Love.
    Since my son was born during the tail end of August, most of my more severe symptoms have occured during the fall months. They were my darkest. The way the sun sits in the sky, the way leaves smell, the colours, everything about fall makes me nauseous and terrified.
    Doc says it is a result of PTSD and bipolar (which I was diagnosed this year) disorder which is typically worse in the fall.
    This is my third year experiencing it.
    What I can tell you that has worked for me…no tv. No radio. Have a good pick me up music playing in the morning and dance to it (yes it is silly but it helps). Talking. Designate a friend that you can count on to be available to talk when you need them (and let them know of course 😉 )
    Keep busy. Schedule things you love to do every day. This gives you something to look forward to each day. It can be a hobby, reading, walks, etc…anything to make you smile.
    And know that it will pass just like the season.
    Hugs friend
    @momgosomething "Let's #tacopunch this together "

  8. Sweetie, you're doing good, one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time….you're able to identify triggers so now, you're ready for them! Look back at what you've one and overcome in a year! Stand tall and be proud! Hugs.

  9. Thank you so much ladies. Thank you!

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