Things I Can’t Think About

I’ve been seeing this blog hop, or meme, pop up around twitter.  So I thought I would try it…

I had this baby, yup, I did, 13 1/2 months ago and she is crazy amounts of wonderful.

yes, she’s sitting in the dog bowl, holding the bowl that belongs in that spot

Adding her to our family was awesome.  The ensuing postpartum depression and anxiety has been, well, a little less awesome, but a learning experience.  And recently I have been learning about triggers.  They are, loosely defined, things that can cause a step backward in the depression recovery journey.  And those darn things seem to be everywhere.

I am doing much better, but there are things that keep popping up. Things I can’t think about much, or at all, without a tailspin.  It is exhausting keeping the mind away from those issues.  I’m going to risk a rough time by laying them out here.  I am hoping by naming them, they will lose some power.

I can not think much about Patrice’s birth.  It was amazing and wonderful, but I have a lot of feelings of failure associated with using pain meds during her birth.  I love talking about her birth, but at the same time, it is such a quagmire of emotions, I have pushed it further and further away.

I have a hard time with the news.  Listening to conversations or news reports about the economy are huge button pushers.  I know things are bad.  I know where I live.  It has just become part of our psyche.  But I do my darndest to not talk about it or listen to conversations about it.

A new one, the season of fall.  This time last year things were going crazy out of control for me.  Bad.  October 1 will be one year since I started medication to try and control the depression and anxiety.  And it is fall here.  And a wonderful time of the year, but right now, I am being careful about where I let the sights, sounds and smells take me mentally.

Mentally, I can not revisit my time in the hospital for the postpartum issues.  That 24 hours was bad.  The anger and sadness I end up with when I think about it…not good for me.  Not good at all.  I had bad care with poorly informed doctors who did nothing to help me.

I have to stay the heck away from news stories about mom’s who hurt their babies due to postpartum issues.  Wow.  That one is so bad.  There are not words.

Thank you for letting me pour out my heart about the things that can cause a rough postpartum day.  Thankfully, I am learning to identify these issues, steer away from them and reach out for help when they get to be too much.  One day at a time, I am getting better.  Much better.

Check out what others are pouring their hearts out about.