Monthly Archives: January 2012

A Gift From the Battle and Giving Thanks 311-320

Last week started to get shakey.  My emotions were more volatile, my anxiety spiked periodically.  My therapy appointment was hard.  I sat in the little waiting room strongly considering walking out, wondering if he charged a no-show fee.

I stayed.  I didn’t cry in there, but I sobbed in the car.

Friday got exponentially worse.  Some things happened at work that pushed the anxiety to levels not seen in many months.

Saturday I made it through because daddy took the older girls for the day, and Patrice was more than willing to nap and play quietly in her crib.

I was so relieved Sunday when two of the girls had mild colds, so we stayed home from church.  I hid in the anonymity of the grocery store.  Wished I could stay forever.  Then headed to a Fancy Nancy Birthday party with Caitlyn.  I’m pretty sure the other mom’s think I am a snob, but honestly, I gave all I could.

Sunday night I was wound so tight I could not relax to sleep.  It was the worst it has been in a while.  I cried to my hubby, “I should have called the doctor today, why didn’t I?”  Thankfully hubby hugged me and talked to me til I drifted off.

This morning I pushed myself to go exercise.  Expecting sweet relief, only to cry while I biked.

I finally gave in to reason and called the doctor.  We added a new medication.  But the best part?  A revelation.

My whole life I have dealt with various health issues, and as I mentioned in this post, I have wondered who I would be if I was healthy, if people would see me anymore or if I would disappear.  I got amazing feedback from my post and many other interactions based on these thoughts.  The overwhelming message was that people related to me, for me, not due to illness.  And, I got to believe it.  I embraced it.  Started dreaming of who I would be when the depression and anxiety were gone.

But my mind betrayed me again.  This was not the final breakthrough I needed to escape the depression.  Instead, it was just another lull in the battle.

Yet, it was a breakthrough.  I can finally say with confidence the illnesses and issues that have dogged me for years, are not of my own making.  They are not my imagination. I do not invite them.  They happen.  They hurt.  They are real.  I am not just a whiny impostor.

I have struggled for so many years with these thoughts, that somehow I was a big lie, and was bringing all of this on myself due to some warped perception of reality.  Today, for the first time, I can boldy and unequivocably say that is not true.

I am Charity.  I am real.  I am authentic.

This realization deserves a singing of the hallelujah chorus.

(Too bad I can’t get it to link!)

For this, I am thankful:

311 (50).  Freedom in the midst of anxiety.

312 (51).  Going out to dinner with my Sue.

313 (52).  Hubby loving me when my nerves are making me stress and twitch.

314 (53).  Seeing hubby appreciate his mom’s artwork.

315 (54).  A spectacular sunset.

316 (55).  Days getting just a bit longer.

317 (56).  Hugs from my Caitlyn at a birthday party.

318 (57).  Tasks at work making sense.

319 (58).  Days off from school.

320 (59).  Encouragment coming when it’s needed.

I’m linking with Ann Voskamp.

Also linking up for Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

Secret Mommyhood Confessions–I am a Hypocrite

“Clean your room girls.”

“Get these dirty clothes off your floor.”

“Put your folded clothes away.”

“Toys get put away or there will be no story tonight.”

I have said all this and more.  Many times.

I’ve even come up with a game called “mama 5″ where I yell 5, each girl has to pick up 5 things off their floor and put them away, then they can go play for a few minutes, until I yell “mama 5″.  We repeat the process until their room is clean.  It works.  I am quite proud of that game.  Go ahead and use it in your home if you would like…

I do all that…I yell…I threaten…I bribe…

And my room is a disaster.  A wreck.  My folded clothes are in a laundry basket, with no hope of ever actually being put away.  Half the clothes I wear regularly are just piled on the end of my bed.

We won’t even talk about the books and various items that need put away…

I am a hypocrite.  I demand the girls learn to take care of their belongings and room while mine are sadly neglected…

Is there anything you demand from your kids but don’t practice in your life?  Do you feel guilty about it or know they really do need to learn, even if you as the parent are not perfect?  Does it eat at you or do you never think about it?

I am linking up with Make Mommy Go Something Something.  Come share your confessions!

What I Know to be True–Life Lessons

This week has been a little down.  Is it because I was expecting it and brought it on myself?  I don’t know, but it is what it is.

I think today is a good day to say what I KNOW to be true, not what I feel.

1.  I know this down week is better than many of the up weeks I have had while dealing with postpartum depression.

2.  I know God loves me and that I am His precious child.

3.  I know I have the support of those around me.

4.  I know tomorrow, or for that matter later today, has the potential to be much better than right now.

5.  I know I am doing all that I can to get well.  I even remembered to ask God to be part of the healing process today.

6.  I know that my children love me.

7.  I know that I am doing the very best for them that I can, as a mother and as an example.

8.  I know that my husband loves me like crazy.

9.  I know he’s committed for the long-haul.

10.  I know that I am giving my best at work and am seeing benefits and improvement.

What do you know this week, because of, or inspite of your circumstances?

Linking up with Rach at Life Ever Since.

 

Weight Loss Wednesday–Support

Support is so important in anything we do.  And weight loss is no different.  I am thrilled to have support from people in my life, both on-line and off.

There are so many days I want to throw in the towel and someone at work will ask me how my weight loss is going, or better yet, compliment me on my progress…and I redouble my commitment to eat right and exercise.  I even had a co-worker mention yesterday that some of my clothes are starting to hang on me!!!  Wheee!

I have friends I text often, they tell me how they are doing and I report in.  I love hearing back from them.  My cousin, though far away, is a key encouragement.  I would not be sticking with it without her.  I love hearing her pride in phone calls or reading it in texts.  Love it!

The on-line support is phenomenal.  The biggest one is Alicia and her Weight Loss Wednesday blog hop.  I know each Wednesday I am going to be checking in and getting some great encouragement (make sure to check out this week’s–it is one of her absolute best!!).  And Alicia checks in on my on other days too.  It means so much to get a tweet from her.  You really should jump on the #wlwed hashtag if you are on a weight loss journey.

I recently found another wonderful blog, 33 and Counting.  She is on a great journey to get healthier.  Her tweets, @dacialee33, are great and challenging.

This weight loss journey has been fun and challenging.  I had a little gain this week, but it didn’t discourage me and I just see a greater loss for next week .  Soon, hopefully next week, I will be 33% to my goal weight…and now that i have put that in writing, I sure better eat and exercise right!!!

What can you do today to get the support you need in your life, be it weight loss, exercise, pursing a passion of yours, discovering how precious you are?  I would love to hear about it.

The Thankfulness Marches On…299-310

 

I see you in my dreams daddy

Sometimes dreams are odd. Sometimes they are funny. Sometimes they bring comfort. They almost always give us a peek into what our mind is thinking when we are busy doing other things.

My dreams have been pretty vivid lately. I remember another time they were really strong and comforting…Almost 8 years ago.

As I have mentioned, my dad died unexpectedly 7+ years ago in a car accident. My hubby and I had just gotten engaged. I had told him just two weeks before the morning I got that phone call.

I was so sad my dad would not be around for my wedding…and everything to come in my life. He was gone so suddenly. No time to say good-bye or so many other things that needed to be said.

Over the next 4 months, the Lord graciously gave me dreams of my dad. I got to show him all the preparations for our wedding…and the dreams stayed with me until the wedding.

I don’t dream of him as often now, but the other night I dreamt of my dad. Talking to him. Telling him about my life. Being with my daddy.

Waking up was hard to do, but I am so thankful for the life I wake up to. Thankful that I have an amazing hubby beside me, and three fantastic children…and so much in my life. I wish my daddy could be here to see it; missing him won’t stop me from saying thank you.

299 (38). my hubby and girls learning to play the piano.

300 (39).  Daddy cuddling Patrice for their nightly sleepy time

 

301 (40). Caitlyn working on her car with daddy.

302 (41). Patrice “reading”.

303 (42).  Caitlyn and Sue making up dance theaters for me.

304 (43).  Big race night.

 305 (44).  Naked girls running around.

306 (45).  A hubby bringing home pie for National Pie Day.

307 (46).  Finding out the pie was free.

308 (47).  Signing up to run the bridge race again.

309 (48).  Finding out Caitlyn did read her sight words at school (she told us no she didn’t).

310 (49).  Hearing Sue say her Bible verse over and over.

I am linking my thanks up with A Holy Experience.

It Makes Me Sad–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

Caitlyn loves school.  Loves it!  She wants to go everyday.  She is bummed Saturdays when she can’t go.

I should be happy, right?

It makes me sad.  She doesn’t want to be with us.

She says it is  because there is no whining and yelling at school.  So does that mean we are doing something wrong since there is yelling and whining at home?

We are working on Sue’s whining.  Truth be told, I’m working on my whining.  And yelling.  Can that battle be won?

We love having her like school.  And learning things.  But she’s ours.  I want her to want to be with us.

It makes me mad when she doesn’t want to be here.  When she wishes her days at school were longer.

I know I have to let them go…but do they have to fight to get away from me at age 5?!

Thanksgiving Turkey Project

Linking up with Kimberly for Secret Mommyhood Confessions.

My Brain is Kind of Empty

I have talked and thought about some really heavy stuff lately.  It’s good.  It really is.  I am healing, getting stronger.  I am going to come through this journey with postpartum depression and anxiety a whole, healthy person.  The Lord is using an excellent team of people to bring me into freedom.

In the meantime, life continues to be sweet and wonderful.

1.  We sent our new computer in for repairs and the company had it back to us within 4 days.  Fantasic service.  Except now I can’t get my camera card in the slot to download the pictures.

2.  Hubby and I were recently talking and I said, “I would love to have more kids.”  Caitlyn was listening in and yelled, “no you wouldn’t!”  Guess she hadn’t forgotten my short temper from that morning.

3.  Caitlyn loves exercise videos.  She asks me every night if we are going to do a video.  So tonight I thought we would try something different, “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”, she took one look at it, declared it not exercise and refused to do any of it.  As her Aunt says, “I guess she likes extreme exercise.”

4.  Patrice has been joining the girls and I in exercising.  A 17 month old doing push ups is as funny as you might imagine.  She lays down, puts her head and feet up and her little hands down.  I will get a good picture…

5.  Sue is bored.  I think that is why we are getting more whining, acting out and challenging us.  Shoot me some ideas on projects, crafts we can do with her.  I am not looking for us to entertain her all the time, but honest, she is a little bored.  She’s a smart cookie.  She needs more.

6.  And because my blog has been all words, not pictures, here are some cute shots 

Playing Whack-A-Mole with Grandma with two doggies

How do I spin this thing?

Here’s how you do it Patrice.

I like to use it THIS way!!!!

 

Linking up with Life Ever Since.

Check it out.

Weight Loss Wednesday–Exercise

 

Exercise.  I have mentioned it a time or two on my blog!

I love it.  I have found it to help with my moods.  My anxiety. 

And it is adding muscles and tone.  I am finding muscle where I never had it before.  Hubby has even noticed my face is getting thinner…and calls me skinny butt.  I have biceps.  I’ve never had bicep muscles before.

I started with running.  And have added exercise videos.  And crunches.  Arm Curls.  Push ups.  And I love it.

I really loving having the girls join me.  Patrice was trying to do push ups with Sue, Caitlyn and I.  Trust me when I tell you there is nothing cuter than a 17 month old doing push ups.  I tried to get video today, but she wasn’t so inclined to do it after I got the camera. 

A want them to grow up making good health choices and reaping the benefits, physical, mental and emotional, of exercise.

I would run 500 miles and I would run 500 more just to be the one who…

Sees my girls embracing exercise!

 I am linking up with Alicia at Weight Loss Wednesday.

 

 

 

Passing on the Thankfulness–282-298

I have been making more of a conscious effort to record for what I am thankful. I have a little book/journal that I carry around. And my girls have noticed.

Yesterday morning we were at the doctor waiting for routine immunizations and Sue asked if she could hear what I was writing:

282. Patrice coming to get me to dance with her when she hears songs she likes.

283. Watching Caitlyn and Patrice dance together.

284. Seeing Sue spinning in circles til she’s dizzy.

285. Doing projects with my girls.

286. Finding out my hubby folded laundry and cleaned the fridge while I was grocery shopping.

287. Being able to listen to songs on youtube.

288. Finding the TV remote (shallow, I know).

289. Cloth diaper not leaking through the night.

290. Seeing hubby use a cloth diaper even though he hates them.

291. Calmly cleaning my house. It looks lovely!

292. Playing chopsticks on the piano with my hubby.

293. An extra day off work.

294. Wonderful smell of a clean house.

295. Having my hubby say, “look at that bicep–I’ve never seen a bicep on you.”

296. Sue making me a heart out of a straw.

297. My new blog.

298. Sue having 20/20 vision!

What causes you to say thanks?  Join us in counting.

 

When is Cleaning your House more than Cleaning?

Earlier today I read Pamela’s blog post about cleaning…it got us chatting on twitter about cleaning.  And I realized how rarely I do any deep cleaning.  This led me to thinking about getting the house cleaned today. 

After Church, hubby and I got started.  I cleaned out the kitchen and swept it, he mopped.  I cleaned the babie’s room, he mopped the living room and hallway.  I cleaned the older girl’s room, he got them ready for Awana Bible Club at Church.

I was going to head down to exercise when they left, but then got to thinking how nice it would be to finish cleaning the girls room, and get the bathroom scrubbed down.  And I decided to shoot for that.  And got it done in time to start dinner before the girls and hubby got home.

It all seems to mild and blase’, but as you might already have guessed, things are never so easy in my mind.

I got to thinking about another time I did a lot of cleaning in a short time…and the differences.

Just two days before I fell apart and was hospitalized for postpartum depression and anxiety, I started cleaning, because I was absolutely desperate to distract my mind.  I was on the verge of falling apart.  I started cleaning to try not to cry.  And as my anxiety increased, I was more and more driven to clean.  It became a fevered pitch.  In six hours I cleaned the whole house, started rearranging the basement, did all the laundry in the house, including changing Patrice out of her cloth diaper. 

My mind wasn’t exactly racing, but I knew if I stopped, I would fall completely apart.  And I might not be able to pick up the pieces.  When I e-mailed my friend/midwife about it, she asked me to let her get me more help.  But I was too scared.  Two days later I would end up falling apart in her office and hospitalized.

I cannot imagine I will ever forget that feeling or that day.

And hear I am 14 months later, cleaning, but this time, calmly and just for the joy of having a clean house and making my hubby happy and surprised.  He does so much of the housework and it brought me so much joy to think of doing this for him, and, myself.

Caitlyn was most surprised by the bathroom “I thought when Sue wanted to look in there that you wouldn’t have really cleaned it–but it was nice and clean and smells good!”

With that kind of reaction…I might have to do this cleaning thing more often!

I was going to head to bed, but started folding laundry…This will leave just cleaning my own bedroom tomorrow! Yay for a day off to take kids to the doctor for checkups and to get the rest of my house in order.  Ahhh…

When has an everyday activity become much more in your life?  When have you found joy in doing teh everyday?