Faith is Hard–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

As I recently talked about, I am worth fighting the depression for, and I am worth Jesus dying for, but that last part is hard.

Faith is not easy.  We have to choose to believe things we can’t explain completely.  Faith in God is not the only time we do that, we actually do every single day.  I can’t explain gravity, but I know it is true.

But faith is different in that it is a relationship with God.  It is opening ourselves and trusting Him.  Again, faith is not the only time we do this, we do it with friendships, spouses, children, but those we can see and understand.  We understand people being sad, failing, being angry.  We get that.  But God?  We can’t see Him.  We can’t read His facial expressions.  We can’t feel His arms around us.  It is hard to trust someone you never see or hear.

It’s even harder when your soul hurts.

I’ve dealt with various illnesses.  All of them drain you, but none has sapped the soul like depression.  None have every taken my ability to pray.  None have made me scared of church.

Depression does that.

How do you go to church when you are just going to cry?  How do you pray when you have no words?  How do you believe God can love you when you hate yourself?

Depression is hard and it steals the faith that could make it easier.

Linking up with Secret Mommyhood Confessions. and Things I Can’t Say.

 

Survive til you Thrive!

7 Responses to Faith is Hard–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

  1. You’re right, faith is hard when you are depressed,, but it is still the best choice. I have depression too and managed to hold onto my faith, most of the time. What I have to do though is define it the way it works for me, not for the rest of society. Church for instance sometimes doesn’t work for me, I have sometimes left church early and enjoyed a quiet time in my car while I waited for my husband more than I enjoyed the service. Good music can make it easier to feel close to God and remember who he is and what he has done and again, that can work better than a church service. The only part of my bible that works for me when I am depressed is the Psalms and they do work for me. I just keep reading and reading and reading until a work or phrase jumps off of the page and helps something in my thinking get better. So yes, faith is hard when you are depressed, but hey, everything is hard when you are depressed.

  2. Oh sweets.
    These last link ups have really resonated with me.
    My faith is in dire times.
    I have been through so much in 9 years…that I just don’t know anymore. Like why me God?
    Why can’t I catch a break…and my breath?
    All of these turmoils made me sit back and really question things.
    I’m still lost.

    My faith is definitely shattered. But when I read your words and so many others, I wish that I would have just clung on to it longer. I feel as though my bridge between faith and God are burnt. I don’t know how to go back.
    I don’t know of I want to.
    But you? You my friend. I think it is perfectly normal to question things like this. But hang on to your faith. Hang. On.
    xoox

  3. Charity, you have put into words the feelings I have had on and off throughout the last 20 years. Finding a church you love with people who love you is hard enough. Holding onto those relationships and the desire to attend is just short of impossible when you can barely hold yourself together long enough to shower and get dressed. Add to that the fact you are questioning God and why is He making you suffer like this, and church feels more like place of torture than a place of refuge and safety.

    This: “How do you go to church when you are just going to cry? How do you pray when you have no words? How do you believe God can love you when you hate yourself?” was the best description of depression I have ever read.

    I don’t have answers for you, Charity. However, I can say with utmost honesty that I have asked those same questions. I had to constantly remind myself to ask God those questions, and remind myself I wasn’t the first or last who would be asking them.

    The only thing that helped me was music. There were a certain few hymns that became mantras for me. I would repeat their phrases over and over as my prayers since I didn’t have words from which to form my own. Between those hymns and 3 or 4 Bible verses, that was all I prayed for almost 4 years. That and the ever-present “Oh, God! Oh, God, help me!” And when I did make it to church, I very rarely got anything out of the message. Most often I would focus on the cross that stood at the front of the sanctuary and just be in my own little world of begging God for to take away the burden of depression or at least the grace to deal with the pleasantries that must be given.

    It isn’t perfect, but finding a truth to which you can cling may help get you to the point where you can pray again. And remember that more than likely there are 2 or 3 other people sitting near you at church that are feeling the same desperation, not knowing if going or staying away is what will help the darkness and confusion fade.

    God isn’t going to let go of you. Stop running from Him and instead run TO Him. Cling to him like a child scared of the dark during a thunderstorm.

  4. I’m relieved to know that I am not alone. I am struggling with faith and depression/anxiety right now. it is so hard, I know.

  5. I don’t know how many times that I’ve sat in church and just cried.

    More than I can count.

    Just the act of going gave me strength, though. I hope you can find that!

  6. Very well written. My heart goes out to you. I have also wondered how to pray when I don’t seem to have the words. The one thing that comforts me is the though that I don’t need words to pray, but that God knows what’s in my heart and on my mind.
    And it is hard to go to church struggling with depression, but also struggling with faith makes it much harder. I will pray for you.

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