I Am Worth It

It’s important to fight for others.  To work to make yourself better for others.  It is important to love others enough to do the right thing by them even when you are unable to do it for yourself.

I have fought for my family, particularly my girls, for the last 18 months.  I would remind myself over and over they were worth fighting for.  I said it aloud.  Every time I had to face the hard, I would remind myself that I would go anything for my girls.

“They are worth whatever it takes.”

So many people have told me, “you are worth it too.  You are worth fighting for.”  I wanted to believe them, but I would look at them and say, “right now I am fighting for my girls.”

Over the last month and a half of seeing the new doctor, I am learning a lot. I am seeing progress even in the dark times.  Even when this last downturn came, I could point at the things I was learning about me and the victory I was seeing and I could tell myself, see, the lies are just that, because you know you are making progress.

Yesterday I guest posted over at Kristen’s about postpartum depression and anxiety.  Today I decided to respond to any comments that came in.  As I was doing so, I saw myself typing, “I know the day is coming when I will be able to fight for me, but for now, I fight for them.”  And as I typed, I realized that day had come.  Today was the day I realized I am worth fighting for.

For the last many months, I have known that if it weren’t for my family I would have succumbed to the darkness.  Today I realized that even if my family were not here, I am worth fighting for.  I am worth telling the depression I will not believe it’s lies.  I will not live in the darkness forever.

I posted about it on facebook today.  I was too excited to hold the revelation in until I could blog.  A friend reminded me that yes, I have always been enough.  I was enough for Jesus to come die on the cross for, so yes, I am surely enough reason to survive depression.  She’s right.  But I had another epiphany.

I’ve always known Christ came to earth to seek and save the lost.  And I am among the saved, but in truth, I have never believed He came for me.  I have always believed He came for others and because He did I can benefit;  but if it were just me on this earth, I have always believed He would not have come.

And when you don’t believe you are enough for the core of your entire belief system, it is hard to believe much else.

I will admit the switch hasn’t completely flipped on that last part. I’ll get there, but it is going to take some time.  Please no sermons in the meantime.  Please know I don’t doubt my salvation, I doubt that He came for MY salvation.

But for today, I know I am enough to fight the depression.  I am enough.

 

Linking up for Thought Provoking Thursday.

 

Survive til you Thrive!

16 Responses to I Am Worth It

  1. All I can say is……That. Was. Beautiful.
    (visiting from Thought Provoking Thursday by the way…:)

  2. Yes! YOU are enough! YOU are worth it! Praying for you as you walk in this new realization! {hugs}

  3. YES!!!!

    YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

    AMEN.

    I am so thrilled for this epiphany!!!!!!! YAY!

  4. And if you forget, I will be there to remind you.

  5. This? A MORE than just a beautiful thing. This is spectacular!!!!

  6. I’ve read this at least three times and I don’t know why I never commented. I’m so proud of you for this. It is a long time coming and it makes me so happy, but it’s SO HARD to say and believe. This revelation is hard fought and hard earned and you deserve every moment of basking and celebration. This seriously made me week.

    • Thank you Story. I’m honored you would read anything I wrote more than once. The beauty is, even when I have bad moments, like yesterday afternoon, I could tell Velma to shut it much easier because I can point to progress being made because it really is. Progress. And I am going to be so much stronger for my girls. Velma tries to destroy but I am mining value and beauty from her cesspool.

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