Monthly Archives: April 2012

Finding My Way

A friend brought up an old fable the other day as we talked about a good day with my mood and outlook on life.  She said, “leave yourself bread crumbs so you can find your way back when it gets dark again.”

Hantsel and Gretel as a story, is not something I will read to my children anytime soon.  The story being their stepmother sent them into the forest to die and their father allowed it is just too gruesome and horrible, but there is value in the tale.

Hantsel and Gretel were aware they were headed into uncharted territory when they went into the woods, so they thought to leave themselves a trail to find their way back home.  They used bread crumbs one time to mark a path home, but the birds found them a tasty treat instead; but when the children used little stone pebbles, they were able to make their way home.

Depression is it’s own uncharted territory.  It’s hard to know when and where you’ll go in and even harder to know when and where you’ll come out.  It can easily, and  often, leave you far away from the self you used to know and make you feel very removed from those people most important to you.  How to get back?

That’s where Hantsel and Gretel come into play.  They mark their way in the darkness and I can too.  I love the imagery of leaving myself a trail to find my way.  It is fitting.

Leaving bread crumbs that can be scattered about and destroyed won’t get me there, but stones, in all their durability, will.

Here is the beginning of my stone collection for finding my way home:

Stone 1–my family and those who love me

Stone 2–the online community, twitter and blogging

Stone 3–doctors who are working so hard to help me get better

Stone 4–love of God

Stone5–memories of where I have been

With these stones, and more that I will find along the way, I can find my way back home when the depression leads me astray, just as Hantsel and Gretel ultimately found their way home.


Such it is with depression.


Touchy Feely–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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My middle child is very touchy feely. She wants to be touching you at all times.  I am not so much.  I mean I was shocked when I hugged Kim more than once when I met her (she’s so wonderful Chuck Norris would give her a hug).  Normally I am a one or no hugger.  I like my space.

Sue, I’m sure, hates having her own space.  She wants to hug all the time, touch all the time. And she keeps patting my, um, tatas.  It makes me so crazy.  I am done nursing, those are mine again.  Hands off kid!

I have no idea what to do about this.  She is so snuggly and cuddly.  She always has been.  She LOVED to be held as a baby, she lived in the moby style wrap, she would smile and giggle when she saw me get it out.  She nursed the longest, and didn’t want to ever give it up.  She would go through stretches where if I was visible she had to be nursing.  I would hide in my room to get a break.  Hide from my baby.

And now, my confession, I still hide.  I go to my room when it gets to be too much.  I hug once or twice but I often declare I am too busy to snuggle or hug.  I need a break, she never needs a break.



Linking up with Kim.


Ahhh–My House is Quiet

Now it’s time to think.

  • What a nice feeling it is to not be running from my thoughts
  • How lovely it feels to laugh and feel it from the inside out
  • That it might be a little crazy that I was tapping my toes and giggling at a Cold Play song today; they’re not the cheeriest bunch.
  • How much I love this man and love celebrating each Birthday with him.






Oval Meatloaf

Mommy's cooking???

We had about two pounds of hamburger needing used tonight.  So I thought I would try a meatloaf.  I typically hate the stuff so rarely make it, but this one has promise.

I used:

  1. 2 lbs. hamburger
  2. 2 eggs
  3. 2 slices crumbled bread
  4. 8 big squirts of ketchup
  5. healthy dose of onion salt, table salt and pepper
  6. 1 cup milk

Mix all ingredients.  Shaped into an oval baking pan, mixed equal parts ketchup and bbq sauce and spread as a topping, baked at 350 degrees F for 1 to 1 1/2 hours.

I didn’t get a final picture, but it was yummy!

The Sun is Out Today–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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The sun has come out today

The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar…

Okay, I’m trying to be all creative and it is not working, I just can’t get the Annie song to come together like I am thinking it in my head so I’ll just say what I have to say…

This week was torture.  The thoughts of how to live this life with the pain, anger and anxiety neverending were unbearable.  But so was the thought of putting my family through another hospitalization.

But I was ready to do it if I needed to.

I promised my beloved cousin during a rough phase that I would never kill myself and promised another friend I would make decisions in the best interest of my mental health.  And I was ready to keep those promises even if it meant locking myself in a hospital for the second time in so many months.

Thankfully I had an appointment with my wonderful midwife this week and my psychiatrist.  She just hugged me as I cried Tuesday and prescribed a run when I got home.  It was good and wise advice.  We also brainstormed some other ideas.

Then Wedensday was my weekly psych appointment.  It was hard to talk without crying.  I had talked to him Monday and Tuesday asking for help so he was well aware of how things were before I walked in.  We upped my medication.  Discussed some other things.  I promised to head to the hospital if it got worse.

Thanks to the friends on twitter and a couple others who talked me through the week, I made it to today.  And the sun, at least right now, is out physically and metaphorically.

But this week has taken a lot out of me.  I wished many times that things in my life were different.  I wondered out loud why God was allowing this.  If He was going to help me as I struggled.  If I was going to make it to a brighter day.

Things are still scary in my heart and mind, but they are not as dark and for that I am thankful, because of that, I will dance in the spring sunshine.

This fuzzy picture describes the feelings inside me lately. I fight for that beautiful face.

Nurtured or Not

Have you ever wondered what makes a child “nurtured”?  I got to thinking about it today.  Someone made a breastfeeding comment that offended this very vocal (formerly) nursing mama.

It made me feel bad about the minimal formula my older two had after birth.  They were jaundice and my milk took awhile to come in…blah, blah, blah.  My second child had exactly one syringe of formula, every other drop came from mama.

Anyway, none of that actually matters.

What I am trying to say, is that got me thinking about what makes a child nurtured.

A few things it is NOT:

  • breastfeeding
  • cloth diapering
  • cry it out or not
  • homemade baby food
  • babywearing

It is:

Mamas making the best decisions they can for their child(ren) taking all aspects of a situation into account. Maybe for some moms, at least for a season, they choose to do some or all of the above as part of nurturing their child(ren).

Other mamas may look at their life and child and find other things nurture their child.  Maybe it includes formula feeding, daddy doing the night time feedings, co-sleeping, staying at home full-time, working outside the home full-time.

It takes different forms for different women and families.  And for everyone, it will take different forms as the child(ren) grow.  Somehow, mamas need to know and understand that nurturing is different for every family and will be different in all the many phases of growth and learning.

Nurturing is not defined by any one action or decision.  It is loving that child in the moment for who they are and how they are.  Loving will lead to nurturing, no matter what form that takes.

Working out the Struggle

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free

But you think you’re the one that grace could never reach

So you just keep asking, Oh, what everybody’s asking

[Chorus] Am I more than flesh and bone?

Am I really something beautiful?

Yeah, I want to believe,

I want to believe that I’m not just some wandering soul

That you don’t see and you don’t know Yeah,

I want to believe,

Jesus help me believe

That I am someone worth dying for


This song was “dedicated” to me by a college friend after I wrote this post  about  being worth fighting the depression for, but admitting I wasn’t sure  Christ came to die for me.

It is aptly named “Someone Worth Dying For”  I love the truth of this song, but must admit I am still grappling with it; I am also working through a lot of other aspects of my faith and personality.

I’ve put a lot of my struggle out here on my blog, but at the same time, there is much I cannot verbalize or express.  It’s hard to have all the words, btu this I know to be true…

God is okay with my struggle.  He knew, before my mother found out she was expecting a baby, what my path would lead to.  He knew about the Multiple Sclerosis, depression and other issues that have arisen.  And, glory to God, He knows the outcome, though I do not.

In what areas are you struggling?  Where is your faith in the struggle?  How can I pray for you today, and in the future?

I’m Scared of My Shower and My Church–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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I’m scared of my shower and it has nothing to do with Alfred Hitchcock.  By the way, they used chocolate syrup in the original movie for the shower scene.  It was the right consistency and the color didn’t matter in black and white.

But back to my shower.

It is one of the few places I get a few minutes to think (if I’m lucky) and during the early days of ppd/ppa it is where I would get overwhelmed with the thought of running from the life I loved.

Then recently it is where I was overtaken with the dark thoughts that led me to the hospital.

So while I am not afraid of it all the time, during times of stress and depression, it can be a trigger to take me to a scarier place.

I realized this week I have similar feelings toward my church.  I went there when Patrice was little for a luncheon.  The older girls were in a children’s program, Patrice was being held by another lady so I could eat my lunch.  And I remember thinking, I could run and the girls would be safe.

But I didn’t know where to go so I stayed.

Now, I feel terror when I go to church.  And I haven’t even been back in that room!

What do I do?  Any ideas?


Life Lessons in the Mud

Rach has really reached into my life this week and ministered right where I am.  I hope she knows how much the Lord has used her.

My thoughts today are, well, a little muddy.

I’m not sad or down.  But I’m not sure I make much sense.  My thoughts are a little hard to wrangle right now.  I don’t know why.

What I do know…

1.  Patrice is very set on what she does and does not want.

2.  I stink at figuring out what that is when it comes to eating.

3.  She throws the food on the floor when I guess wrong.

4.  I hate that.

5. I got to pray for several sweet friends today during a moment of clarity.  It was nice.  Couldn’t do it again if I tried.  Maybe later.

6.  I figured out why church is such an emotionally charged place for me to be.

7.  I don’t know what to do about it.

8.  That’s part of what is making it muddy in my brain.

9.  But mud is better than quicksand.

10.  My brain being quicksand is what led me to the hospital last month.

11.  I couldn’t escape the quicksand.

12.  When you put it that way…

13.  I love mud!


Not How I Thought I Would Be

I’ve never been overly patient.

But I thought I would be different when I had kids.

I didn’t think I would feel rushed.

But I do.

My brain won’t slow down.

It’s always thinking.

We can be at a great activity and my mind is going.

What’s next?

Where’s Patrice?

How long do we have to stay?

Am I still a good mom if I hate being here?

How do I get some good pictures for my blog?

Can we go yet????!!!!!!

I thought I would be different.