I’m Scared of My Shower and My Church–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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I’m scared of my shower and it has nothing to do with Alfred Hitchcock.  By the way, they used chocolate syrup in the original movie for the shower scene.  It was the right consistency and the color didn’t matter in black and white.

But back to my shower.

It is one of the few places I get a few minutes to think (if I’m lucky) and during the early days of ppd/ppa it is where I would get overwhelmed with the thought of running from the life I loved.

Then recently it is where I was overtaken with the dark thoughts that led me to the hospital.

So while I am not afraid of it all the time, during times of stress and depression, it can be a trigger to take me to a scarier place.

I realized this week I have similar feelings toward my church.  I went there when Patrice was little for a luncheon.  The older girls were in a children’s program, Patrice was being held by another lady so I could eat my lunch.  And I remember thinking, I could run and the girls would be safe.

But I didn’t know where to go so I stayed.

Now, I feel terror when I go to church.  And I haven’t even been back in that room!

What do I do?  Any ideas?


Survive til you Thrive!

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