I’m Scared of My Shower and My Church–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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I’m scared of my shower and it has nothing to do with Alfred Hitchcock.  By the way, they used chocolate syrup in the original movie for the shower scene.  It was the right consistency and the color didn’t matter in black and white.

But back to my shower.

It is one of the few places I get a few minutes to think (if I’m lucky) and during the early days of ppd/ppa it is where I would get overwhelmed with the thought of running from the life I loved.

Then recently it is where I was overtaken with the dark thoughts that led me to the hospital.

So while I am not afraid of it all the time, during times of stress and depression, it can be a trigger to take me to a scarier place.

I realized this week I have similar feelings toward my church.  I went there when Patrice was little for a luncheon.  The older girls were in a children’s program, Patrice was being held by another lady so I could eat my lunch.  And I remember thinking, I could run and the girls would be safe.

But I didn’t know where to go so I stayed.

Now, I feel terror when I go to church.  And I haven’t even been back in that room!

What do I do?  Any ideas?

 

Survive til you Thrive!

4 Responses to I’m Scared of My Shower and My Church–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

  1. I completely understand what it feels like to be afraid of something that can be triggering. I went through ppa/ppocd & I was terrified of the night & giving baths. Those things can still bring the memories back. In our first house we lived in where the ppa/ppocd hit me, it is triggering if I drive by our old neighborhood. That house was the first house we bought & the first house our daughter came home to but it also has a lot of horrible memories. I don’t have any ideas on what to do, but I know you are not alone, it happens to me too.

  2. It was my bathroom too.
    Although it wasn’t me who was scared of it, it was my husband.
    I always hated that bathroom. It was a horrible pink (previous owners).
    I used to lock myself in there for hours during the worst times. I did a lot of self harm in there.
    Then one day last year (it was right after I was sent to the hospital after I took pills) and he took a sledge hammer to the wall. Yup, he tore that bathroom apart. I even got to take part in it.
    Now it’s gorgeous.
    I’m not saying you need to revamp your bathroom.
    But I understand that it’s part of the PTSD of what happened. Perhaps thinking that it was in the past will help? Like keep reminding yourself that yes, it was a dark point but look at how far you are now.

  3. I get being scared of church. I recently went back after over a year. Mornings undo me, and I couldn’t face the thought of trying to get us all out the door. Velma told me that everyone would judge me at church & I believed her. The first time I went again, I sat in the back. Baby steps.

  4. A few ideas – arrive a little early and sit close to the FRONT, appear to be reading intently. You won’t have to do the grin and greet to everyone coming in, and they’ll be exiting before you as well. Sometimes when I’m feeling emotional already, like PMS-ish, I dread going to church because I know I’m quick to tear up if the sermon is a sensitive one. On those days I just volunteer to help out in the nursery where the sermon is piped in with speakers. It helps to be a bit distracted by the children too, and I feel like I’m contributing – taking my turn so to speak – since I’m usually dropping mine off to someone else volunteering in there. Lastly, I dread the “How ARE you?” with all it implies. When I see that coming I get my greet in first and keep talking, eg. “How are you? You know I was just thinking about you the other day when I made that recipe…yadda yadda..” you get the idea. While these things don’t remove the ill feelings, they help you deal with them a little more privately…hope this helps, be brave!

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