The Sun is Out Today–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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The sun has come out today

The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar…

Okay, I’m trying to be all creative and it is not working, I just can’t get the Annie song to come together like I am thinking it in my head so I’ll just say what I have to say…

This week was torture.  The thoughts of how to live this life with the pain, anger and anxiety neverending were unbearable.  But so was the thought of putting my family through another hospitalization.

But I was ready to do it if I needed to.

I promised my beloved cousin during a rough phase that I would never kill myself and promised another friend I would make decisions in the best interest of my mental health.  And I was ready to keep those promises even if it meant locking myself in a hospital for the second time in so many months.

Thankfully I had an appointment with my wonderful midwife this week and my psychiatrist.  She just hugged me as I cried Tuesday and prescribed a run when I got home.  It was good and wise advice.  We also brainstormed some other ideas.

Then Wedensday was my weekly psych appointment.  It was hard to talk without crying.  I had talked to him Monday and Tuesday asking for help so he was well aware of how things were before I walked in.  We upped my medication.  Discussed some other things.  I promised to head to the hospital if it got worse.

Thanks to the friends on twitter and a couple others who talked me through the week, I made it to today.  And the sun, at least right now, is out physically and metaphorically.

But this week has taken a lot out of me.  I wished many times that things in my life were different.  I wondered out loud why God was allowing this.  If He was going to help me as I struggled.  If I was going to make it to a brighter day.

Things are still scary in my heart and mind, but they are not as dark and for that I am thankful, because of that, I will dance in the spring sunshine.

This fuzzy picture describes the feelings inside me lately. I fight for that beautiful face.

Survive til you Thrive!

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