The Sun is Out Today–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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The sun has come out today

The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar…

Okay, I’m trying to be all creative and it is not working, I just can’t get the Annie song to come together like I am thinking it in my head so I’ll just say what I have to say…

This week was torture.  The thoughts of how to live this life with the pain, anger and anxiety neverending were unbearable.  But so was the thought of putting my family through another hospitalization.

But I was ready to do it if I needed to.

I promised my beloved cousin during a rough phase that I would never kill myself and promised another friend I would make decisions in the best interest of my mental health.  And I was ready to keep those promises even if it meant locking myself in a hospital for the second time in so many months.

Thankfully I had an appointment with my wonderful midwife this week and my psychiatrist.  She just hugged me as I cried Tuesday and prescribed a run when I got home.  It was good and wise advice.  We also brainstormed some other ideas.

Then Wedensday was my weekly psych appointment.  It was hard to talk without crying.  I had talked to him Monday and Tuesday asking for help so he was well aware of how things were before I walked in.  We upped my medication.  Discussed some other things.  I promised to head to the hospital if it got worse.

Thanks to the friends on twitter and a couple others who talked me through the week, I made it to today.  And the sun, at least right now, is out physically and metaphorically.

But this week has taken a lot out of me.  I wished many times that things in my life were different.  I wondered out loud why God was allowing this.  If He was going to help me as I struggled.  If I was going to make it to a brighter day.

Things are still scary in my heart and mind, but they are not as dark and for that I am thankful, because of that, I will dance in the spring sunshine.

This fuzzy picture describes the feelings inside me lately. I fight for that beautiful face.

Survive til you Thrive!

12 Responses to The Sun is Out Today–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

  1. Don’t say that this is a never ending battle. Because it isn’t. Girl, you are fighting this so hard. One day you will find your foot on that bright sunny path and you’ll jump onto it with both feet. You’ll look back at all that bleak crap you went through and realize that yes, there is an end…you just have to keep fighting.

    • I so hope you are right. Now I have moved to feeling hyper inside with disorganized thoughts. Xanax helped a little. Hoping it will continue to get better. You are an inspiration to keep fighting. Thank you for continuing to fight.

  2. Wow – she looks a lot like Sue! I am starting to see more of the sunshine in my life too. All that is asked of us is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days it is very hard. Other days, you begin to look forward to.

    • She is the spitting image of her older sister. You cannot tell the two apart in pictures! I am glad the sun is coming out for you too. Love you Lori!

  3. Love you too, Charity!

  4. Hugs, Charity! Just keep fighting – you can do it! I was in your shoes before and I totally know how it feels. Do what you can to take some time for yourself once a week, or once a day if you can. It can be something simple like taking a relaxing bubble bath or doing your nails or a yoga DVD…..little things like this used to boost my mood when I was severely depressed. It sounds silly, but it really worked.

    Keep your chin up! You’re doing everything right with staying on top of your doctor’s appts and your meds. Hang in there.

    • I sat outside my doctor’s office for an hour Wednesday after my appointment because I knew I was safe there and didn’t know how to make it to next Wednesday. Thanks for the encouragement.

  5. If we keep leaning on each other I have hope things will be okay. We’ll get these meds straightened out, eventually. xoxox

  6. That is one beautiful little face there. I tell my sons “Never Give Up”. I hope you won’t. Take it easy. (I’m visiting from Kimberly’s linkup).

  7. Patrice does look a lot like Sue, but in the pictures I really can tell by the face who is who most of the time. You are an inspiration to me Charity, and I have had my down times just like you. The only difference is you haven’t come up yet, and I never had to be hospitalized, thank the Lord. If you ever need a night away with your hubby, you know I am just a phone call away on the weekends. I love you as a fellow Christian woman, and I am always here. =)

  8. Please keep fighting. I know the dark days seem so long and like they will never end, but they will. They will end and the sun will shine longer and brighter. Don’t stop fighting or believing that things will get better.

  9. I know this past week took a lot out of you. What you need to remember, and what is SOO hard to remember during weeks like that, is that there is an army of people out here praying for you and hubby and girls. When you go silent everywhere but Twitter, I automatically know to start praying harder. 🙂 Don’t give up on yourself! We are not giving up on you.

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