Monthly Archives: June 2012

I am Not Ready

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Patrice is showing many signs of being ready to potty train.

I am not ready.

She’s my baby, my last baby.

There is just something so grown up about potty trained, no more diapers.

Don’t get me wrong, no more diapers would be great.  Changing them, let alone buying them, isn’t exactly good times.  But back to me waxing poetic, Patrice is growing up so fast.  It is cute and enjoyable to see all she is learning, but I’d like to keep my baby just a bit longer.

Plus, I’m not ready for all the energy potty training takes.  First, have to teach her what a potty is, then get her to actually use it, then tell you she needs to use it and finally, asking for months on end, “do you have to go potty?

Patrice may be ready, but I am not!


5 Minute Friday–Dance

Five Minute FridayIt’s been awhile since I joined in 5 Minute Friday, but it is a fun writing exercise.  The rules are simple, link up with Lisa-Jo, write for 5 minutes on the given topic, visit and comment on the blog that linked before you.

Now on to the topic:

When I think of dancing I think of my friend A’Driane at Butterfly Confessions.  She sometimes does a Dance Party Friday where she chooses a song and does a great video of her dancing.  She gets me dancing along every time!  My favorite of her songs with “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson.  I can’t help but think about it every time I hear the song.

Thanks to A’Driane I now have the cutest dancing baby in the world.  Anytime Patrice hears a catchy song she puts her hands in the air for ‘raise the roof’.  Seriously, it is as cute as it sounds.

I also think of King David, in the Bible, dancing before the Lord.  I think we were made to dance.  It is so natural in my baby girl (and my older ones too).  And even natural when we get excited worshipping the Lord.

My 5 minutes is up.  Now head on over to see what others have written.

Random Thoughts

Loving on each other

I bought store brand diapers for the first time since Caitlyn was a baby.  Yes world, we stopped cloth diapering.  I just couldn’t do it anymore and hubby was more than willing to stop.  He was a good sport for a long time.

While I am confessing, I’ve also stopped making my laundry soap.  It was just one more thing always nagging at me–needing done.

I’m not going to lie, it is nice just throwing away the yucky diapers and buying a big bottle of soap.  Do I regret trying both of those things, not in the least, but at the same time, I am okay with where we are now.

I, under orders of my doctor, decreased one of my medications last night.  I am feeling more awake today than I have in months.  I do still feel out of it and spacey, but hopefully that will get better with time.

Saw my bipolar diagnosis written on official paperwork today for the first time.  Caused me to catch my breathe.  Yup, that is now PART of me.  It does not define me, it just explains some things.

Scheduled Patrice for a speech therapy evaluation.  Again, on recommendation of a doctor.  Our family doctor is concerned she does not talk enough.  She jabbers like crazy but only has about 10 words she says.  Hubby and I have talked often how she doesn’t have as many words as her sister’s did at age 2, but I thought we had just forgotten what 2 is like or were overreacting.  Now the doctor is saying the same.  Sigh.

Those are just some of the curve balls in our life.  How are things in your world?

My Diagnosis Changed

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Do you ever wonder if you have known something all along?  Like there is no surprise where there should be shock?

I have written about postpartum depression and anxiety a lot since Patrice was born, but I have never tagged it as ppd, instead I have always called it just depression.

I think, since the beginning, I have known my soul wasn’t just being introduced to depression after Patrice’s  birth.  Depression has visited me several times over the years.  Previous experiences with depression have been different in that they could be traced to events happening in my life; they were episodic.  This time was different.  Postpartum depression was the spring board, but the battle has reached much further.

The waves of depression and excitement keep crashing, again and again.  They rob me of normal feeling, healthy interaction with everything in my life.  The latest wave landed me in the hospital for the third time and has me out of work for a few weeks as my soul and psyche need to heal.

This additional time home is giving me time to rest and learn.  I have a lot to learn about this journey with bipolar not otherwise specified (meaning it does not fit perfectly in with bipolar 1 or 2).

I am trying to learn as much as I can, so please send on bipolar resources you may know of.  I am also considering trying a support group, though every fiber of my being says no, I don’t want that!  My experience with mental health support groups have been in the hospital, which has been less than stellar.  Have you ever gone to a support group?  What did you think of it?  Would you go again?

Preparing for Summer

The days are warm.

Okay, they are downright hot.

Wednesday was 100 degrees.  Today is 80+.

The girls have been playing in the sprinkler and the slip ‘n slide.

Fun, fun, fun.

Today we prepared for another part of summer, the indoor time.

We got craft supplies.  Paint, brushes, little wooden projects, felt kits, wooden craft sticks.  Oh the fun that is in store for us.

That time today, wiped me out.  I came home from our shopping ready to crash.  It is taking time to recover from the depression.  It is taking so much out of me.  But I shall go forward day by day until I am back to myself…

Wheat Free Update

One thing I have to say about the hospital is even on the psychiatric unit they give you lots of choices for your food.  It helps.  They decide when you eat, but you get to decide what and how much.  Most of the time.

My first couple of days they sent up a standard tray, which was full of wheat and gluten, but then I got to choose and was able to get back on track.  And by doing so, I lost 2.5 lbs while in the hospital!

I am slowly getting back to where I was.  Someday I will actually be at pre-baby weight.  The journey has been long  and full of potholes, but I am getting comfortable with the wheat free eating, which will only help me get where I belong.

Please go over and congratulate Alicia on her accomplishment!


A New Chapter

I am home on a Tuesday afternoon; actually the second one in a row.  Last Tuesday I came home sick from work and headed to the hospital.  I was having tactile hallucinations and the night before I had been suicidal.  But by the time the emergency room got to me, I was okay, so they sent me home.  I stayed home and rested Wednesday.

Thursday I headed back to the office.  It was a crazy hard day and I knew by the end of the day I would be headed back to the hospital.  The thoughts were too strong and too many.  I drove myself directly from work to the ER.  Twenty-two hours later I finallly got a bed on the psychiatric floor.

It was as always a tumultous and difficult time.  Having your freedom taken away is so hard, even when you know it is for your safety.  People watching you all the time, judging what and how you are doing is such a challenge.

But being in the hospital accomplished what was needed; I am no longer on Lamictel and am now on Lithium.  It feels like a new chapter.  A tried and true treatment for bipolar, but new to me.

I feel much better than I did at this time last week, but I still feel fragile.  I am taking it easy, giving myself time to rest and permission to take things slowly.


Week One Done

Week one of gluten free is done.

I started with lunch last Sunday.

I am hoping to lose some weight and improve my mental and physical health.

There have been big cravings, but for the most part it has been easier than I thought. I find it easier to cut out a food than to track everything I eat.

Gluten is a part of the wheat, barley and a few other grains that can cause an allergic reaction or a sensitivity in some. Honestly, I am hoping I have a sensitivity to is, as that will mean eliminating it should improve my overall health.

I haven’t lost any weight yet, it’s the wrong time of the month for that, but I am hoping to see a big difference in the next few weeks.

Have you ever tried an elimination diet? Have you ever done a high protein diet like South Beach?

Go check out my friend Alicia’s big news!

Driving is Scaring Me

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So, here is my confession.  I took driver’s education twice.  I failed it the first time.

I was too scared to get it right.  I sailed through the book part, couldn’t pass the driving.

I got past it and have done fine driving down here.  Even going from a small car to a large minivan.  But lately, something has changed and I am back to always being nervous.  I am always sure I am in the other person’s lane, even though any time I check I am right where I belong.  I feel like I am always going too slow (though my recent ticket might tell a different story)…

I am just always scared.  I know I have to get over it.  Driving, and the traffic, are a fact of life.  And I have done it fine for, ahem, many years.  All evidence is that I am a fine driver…now to shut up the backseat driver in my head!

What are you suddenly afraid of?  Or am I the only one that suddenly re-develops a fear?



A Precious Moment

I really need to go to bed, but sometimes you realize a moment has arrived that needs to be shared…I realized that at the end of #ppdchat tonight.

Today is day three of feeling completely emotionally level.  I have not experienced feeling truly level and comfortable in my own skin since Patrice was born 22 months ago.

Me getting to revel in this precious moment is due to the hard work of so many.  My family, my twitter family, my wonderful care providers.  I wish I could name you all but I would miss someone.  I have been very blessed to have so many of you loving on me, praying for me, encouraging me when there was nothing left in me, when my entire being begged to escape the agony.  You didn’t let me, and for that I am grateful.

I know there will be days ahead, but I have right now, and it is precious, and nothing can ever take it away from me.  I will always have today to remind me of what me feels like.

Right now is good.  Thank you for helping me get back to being comfortable in my own skin.


Special love to mama Lauren who has led so many of us to a place of healing.  You have woven together an army of angels.  Remember we love you!