Monthly Archives: August 2012

Better Than a Hallelujah

“Better Than A Hallelujah”, Amy Grant

God loves a lulluby In a mother’s tears in the dead of night

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
God loves the drunkard’s cry
The soldier’s plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what’s been done
The silence when the words won’t come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts Are
better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out
We pour out out miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
(Better than a Hallelujah sometimes)
Better than a Hallelujah
(Better than a Hallelujah sometimes)
This song is so much my heart cry right now.  I pray it touches yours as well.
Song lyrics found on AZLyrics.com

Perfectionism Post Postpartum Depression

*I am not intending to give any medical advice, I am simple musing on my own experience.

My baby is 2 years old.  My battle with depression is 2 years old.  One is really cute; the other one not so much.  You pick which one is which.

Work has been really hard since dealing with postpartum depression.  I always feel like I am failing or am afraid I am going to fail any moment.  Knowing that I have done my best or have done well does nothing to drive these feelings away.  I wait in anxious anticipation of having someone find my error or failing.

This last week that also spilled over into my two girls birthday party.  I was a wreck because I was so afraid I would screw the party up.  My nerves were so bad.

The party turned out perfect, everything my 6 year old and 2 year old, and even their 4 year old sister, could want or desire.

And yet my tension stayed.  My poor hubby endured my anger, my frustration, and my sadness.  All seemingly, with no cause.

Then today, some ladies and I were talking.  And perfectionism came up.  And a light bulb went off.  That was it.  It wasn’t other people’s expectations of me, it was mine.

Somehow, my expectations of myself have gotten higher.  I expect more.  I am not measuring up to me.

Now what to do?

 

Parenting–Take 2

Yes, I know I have three kids, so we’ve been doing this parenting thing for awhile (6 years to be exact), but we are now trying to learn new methods and philosophies.  It’s not that easy!

One minute I will apply the Love and Logic methods beautifully, the next I will turn around and blow it.  Like this morning, I gave Patrice a choice and she chose a fit which gets her a visit to her room.  It worked beautifully.  When given the choice a second time, she complied perfectly.  Then a few minutes later, she did something and I yelled at her.  She didn’t learn anything except mommy gets mad.  Like she didn’t already know that.

Sigh.

I have to tell you about a win with Love and Logic.  A big part of the parenting method is giving kids choices, teaching them responsibility and ownership of their decisions within safe boundaries.  One of the big reasons I am studying any of this and trying to apply it is because of the battle meals were becoming with Sue.  So one night I decided to try some of what I had been reading. 

I said, “Sue, would you like one piece of chicken or two (chunks)?” 

She said, “4″. 

I said, “would you like 3 or 4?”

She said “4″.  So I gave her 4, knowing she would eat 1-2. 

A bit into the 2nd piece she said, “do I have to eat all this?” 

Me–”how many pieces of chicken did you ask for?”

“4″

“How many do you need to eat?”

“4″

We had the conversation a couple times, but she ate all 4 pieces without a battle, bribery or anger.  It was beautiful!!!!

But learning something new is hard.  Applying something new is even harder.  My kids learn so much more easily than I do.  And I know they will thrive under Love and Logic–mama just needs to get the hang of it!

 

Getting Ready for School

This  year I have two, count them two, headed off to school.  Sue will be joining Caitlyn at her elementary school.

Unfortunately Sue is not yet exctied.  She is going to do so well.  Really.

Thankfully we have lots of hand-me-downs for both of the girls, so we don’t have to do a lot of school shopping–clothing wise, but wow, the actual school supply list is crazy.

Between the two of them, not including what I have already purachased, I still need:

  • 2 reams of paper
  • 3 boxes of kleenex
  • 2 boxes of snack bags
  • 1 box freezer bags
  • 2 boxes baby wipes
  • 2 rolls of paper towel
  • 4 large containers anti-bacterial wipes
  • 1 mini memo pad
  • 1 large eraser
  • 3 black dry erase markers
  • 1 yellow highlighter
  • 4 2-pocket folders
  • 2 spiral notebooks
  • 3×5 index cards
  • 1 bag of cotton balls
  • 1 pencil box

 At first I was just frustrated with all I had to buy, but lately I have gotten sad about it.  Sad that we are purchasing things that used to be provided.  Sad that things have gotten so tight financially for the classes that they need us to buy the wipes to clean the tables.  Sad that if we didn’t buy these things then the teacher would have to.  It is just sad.

What thing has recently struck you as sad?  What just pulls at  your heart?

Birthday WOW

We’ve had two birthdays in 4 days here. A tinkerbell cake on Friday and Elmo on Tuesday. Six candles and two.

Birthday–Wow!

My Baby

Today is Patrice’s 2nd birthday. 

This is the first time I haven’t either already had a small baby or one on the way when a child reaches this milestone.  My baby days are over.  That thought is a little hard to fathom, so we won’t ruminate for long.

We’ll talk about my little girl. My sweet, happy little girl.
 

Patrice, a few days old

Now she is such a big girl. We are working on her learning words. We’re pretty sure, last night, she said her first sentence, “me too daddy.”

She can almost climb into her crib. She is trying to learn out to use the potty. She gets that you are supposed to sit on the potty, but keeps making it there after she goes.

She gives the best hugs and kisses. She used to be stingy with them, but now she loves to give them. It melts a mama’s heart.

She takes herself to her room when she is mad (super cute). She gets mad (not quite so cute).

We love our Patrice and today we will celebrate her! There will be Elmo cake and ice cream. There will be celebration!

 

 

Life Feels Good

As you know, I have had a long (almost 2 year) battle with depression and anxiety.  I have seen three different doctors, been in the hospital three times and been on many medications.  I have gotten minimal relief from the various things tried. 

My thinking has gotten so muddled with it all that I don’t even know when I am doing better and when things are getting worse anymore.

My husband has stood there through it all, encouraging and loving me all along.

Saturday I was nervous about a few things.  I was irritated with said husband for not doing aned saying things just as I would wish.

Then he did one better.

He wrapped his arms around me and said “I know this is a hard week, but you are the most like yourself you have been in a long time.  Welcome Back Charity.”

Life feels good right now.

Developing our Rhythm

Six years ago, right now, I was doing some of the hardest work of my life.  My hubby was working right alongside me.

We were developing our rhythm as we labored together to bring our oldest, Caitlyn, into the world.

I would lay down and relax in between contractions, but as soon as one hit, I sat up and grabbed my hubby’s hands.  I needed him with me as my body rocked with the power of bringing her to us.

Her labor, including pushing, was 25 1/2 hours.  You know what I really love about my husband?  If you ask him, labor was 36 hours.  What’s not to love about a husband who gives you even more credit than you deserve?!

The amazing thing?  That was 6 years ago!  We have had our precious Caitlyn with us for 6 years.

And my heart hasn’t lost any of the awe that someone knows me as mama.

Though that little girl has changed a lot.

That, riding that bike with no training wheels, is my baby. (and before you freak out, she is getting a new bike helmet for her birthday later today).

I am so proud to call that amazing girl mine.

We found our rhythm as parents as we labored to bring her into this world, and we continue to find our rhythm as parents as she hits every milestone.

Welcome to the monumental age of 6 my dear Caitlyn.