Monthly Archives: October 2012

Still Not Much to Say

I can’t link up with my beautiful friend Kim today for Secret Mommyhood Confessions.  She is in the hospital getting better.  And I am so proud of her.  That, going to the hospital, is a crazy hard decision to make.  Again, I am so proud of her.

I am still struggling myself.  We have tweaked my medication.  They have until Monday to work and then we try something new.  We have upped others to help me get through the weekend. Thankfully I am feeling okay with the upped doses of anti-anxiety meds.  If you see me, I might look a little drunk, but it’s okay by me. If this doesn’t do it the doctor says my next step is the hospital.

Won’t you lift up my friend Kim who has made this hard step?  We are pulling for you.  Get better for you, Chunky and you hubby, as well as all of us who love you.


Nothing Real Cheery to Write

I got outed today at work as to what is going on mental healthwise because my struggle has become so apparent.  I didn’t tell her EVERYTHING, but I told her quite a bit.  It was embarassing to be honest, but she took it in stride and was a great encouragement.  It was a relief.  I have one other friend who knows the truth, and she knows the whole truth, but otherwise it’s happy face.

But the happy face has been failing me.  Life hurts right now.  And I have no idea why.  I’ve had a lot of anxiety and the depression has decided to come along.  As a friend said today, they are BFFs.  She sure seems to be right.

But here is some cheery for you

Thank you for reading even when the words are far from fun.  I am blessed by your reading and commenting.


Anxiety and the Soul

The last few days have been very anxiety ridden for me.  Very.

The last few days have hurt.  I want to run away to escape the pain.

But where to run?  Can anybody tell me where I can go to escape my soul?  Anxiety torments the soul.  It pulls at it.  Tears at it.  Makes it sick.

Where do I go?  I am taking my medication and reaching out.  I am sticking with my family, going through the motions.  Doing the next right thing.  I sent out a call for prayer today.  Knowing God no longer listens to me, but maybe He will others.

Where do I go to escape my soul?

I can’t bear this much longer.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to turn.

Some Pumpkin Fun

Patrice and I stayed home yesterday thanks to croup, but the others headed out to get pumpkins.


Two Years Later

Okay so 2 years ago, my postpartum depression and anxiety got to be too much.  I could no longer cope.  All I could think was, get Patrice to my midwife, she can take her home and love her; daddy can handle the other two.  So I packed the diaper bag, got the kids in the van and headed to my midwife’s office.  I waited for her, then begged her to take Patrice.  As I sobbed.  That was the end of October, almost 2 years ago.

I wish I could tell you those thoughts are all gone.  Most of the time I am okay.  But my flight feeling is still strong.

Today, I desperately want to run.  I want to call my midwife and escape.

If only people knew what kind of horrible mom I am.

Something Something Button

I Leave You With

Not that kind of leaving. I just mean that I want to share something on my blog but thanks to Patrices’ CROUP, I’m a little tired and my brain is a little addled. So I thought you would enjoy a picture or two.

It Never Gets Easy

A sniffle.
A cough.
A fever.
More coughing.
A hacking, wheezing cough.
A scratchy voice.
Wheezing while breathing.
Another fever.
Throwing up.

A sick little girl. Patrice is all of the above and more.

She is my third child. You would think this would be old hat, but it stays scary. The doubts surface. You wonder what to do.

It Never Gets Easy.

The Days Get Dark

This is Mental Illness Awareness Week. And as you may know by now, I struggle with some mental illness concerns. Depression and I are good friends.

I realized today that at the end of this month we are coming up on the two year anniversary of my first hospital stay, when it became apparent I needed more help than I could quickly get “on the outside.” I swore then it would be my only hospital stay for such issues, but life has not worked out that way; there have been two more just this year.

I hate those hospital stays. Hate them. Like you will never know. But they keep me safe when the depression gets too intense and the days get too dark.

This last time, I drove myself to the hospital. It had been a rough week. I had actually been to the emergency room earlier in the week but was deemed okay to go home. Two days later, the day was sooooo dark, I knew I would only be safe in the hospital.

It is hard to be there, but I am learning to at least be proud of myself for getting the help I need when I need it.

I not only go to the hospital when I need to, I go weekly to see the doctor for medication checks and therapy.

It doesn’t keep all the darkness away but the current medication regime seems to be enough to help me get through most days without too much trouble.

Because I got help. I asked when I needed it. Even though I was hurting, I valued my life. I valued the life of those around me.

If you are struggling and need to get help, reach out. Ask for help.


Medication Malaise

Medication is absolutely necessary for me, for my mental health. And I think we’ve found the combo that works, if, maybe not, the doses.

But that doesn’t mean I like it. I do not like have three pill keepers to keep everything straight. I do not like the shaking that one of them, or maybe two of them, is causing. I am not fond of the hairloss or hair coarseness the meds are causing. I hate the fatigue three of them cause.

Honestly, today they are making me so tired, I just want to cry.


I will keep taking them. I will keep takking them because they keep away the suicidal and anxious thoughts, the thoughts that would take me away from my family. So, I will fight on and hope the day comes that I am not shaking or so tired.

I will hold my babies with joy. I will take joy in my life.

Now That It’s Over

I’ll say here on my blog that the girls and I have been on our own since Thursday night. Daddy had to travel for a family wedding.

Daddy never travels. Daddy is never gone. So this was big. Really big.

Friday I had to do pick up from school which had me tied in knots I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do. I only did pick up last year like once. And this year is different with one in kindergarten and one in 1st grade. I left work in plenty of time. I got there with time to spare. I could get comfortable in my space before I had to hunt down kids. And I had forgotten Sue would know daddy’s routine. She was a big help.

Saturday us girls went to the hair salon and the big girls got trims and cuts as necessary. Patrice was fascinated, just watching the process. Then we went shopping and to a birthday party. I was nervous about that too. I didn’t want anybody thinking I couldn’t handle my kids. But I think we did okay.

Today was church and Bible Club. I was going to try to take them to lunch, but we ended up with fast food drive thru. Then to review our Bible verses and invite a friend to go to Club with us and back in the car to head to church.

Caitlyn said it best “I’m exhausted”

But I did it. WIth lots of emotional support from friends, but I did it, only crying once because I missed my hubby. And by tonight I’ll admit I’m glad I am no longer solo. I am relaxing and recharging thanks to my hubby being home.