Monthly Archives: January 2013

All The Things

Posted on January 30, 2013 | 4 comments

First, let me just say non-stop sickness since Christmas is not rocking my world. It has been crazy. But I think illness does explain the issues we were having last week getting Sue to go to school. They had Friday off. Guess who woke up with a fever? Yup.

Caitlyn was doing quite fine on Friday. So she got to paint her nails while the other two slept.

Patrice got to use some of her skills she learned in speech, physical therapy to make a colored sand necklace in Sunday School. This mama is very sad to report it already got broken, before I could put it in her keepsake box.

Then Monday came and we had our first snow day. I’m glad. Both older girls were feeling a little punky and I wasn’t sure whether or not to send them to school.

Enlist them as maids though? Absolutely yes.

Sue got crumbs on the chair. So Sue got to learn to vacuum.

Tuesday we started potty training Patrice. She had success.

And now today won’t cooperate to get into undies. Do I force her or let today slide because she is sick…hmmm. I’ll let you know what I decide!

4 Comments

Posted in Caitlyn, kidlets, Patrice, Sue

First Grade Homework

Posted on January 26, 2013 | Leave a comment

Caitlyn had homework this weekend. A poster to commemorate the 100th day of school. She had to choose a number to count by. She, well actually daddy, chose 2s for her. We started making circles to put the stickers in. She made all but a few of them before we realized we hadn’t left space to label each circle by what number it was on our way to 100.

She had to start over. Daddy made lines and she started over. Making circles. Then labeling them by 2s up to 100.

Then putting 2 princess stickers in each one.

And then I realized she made all her 5s and 6s backward. We are not making the whole poster again. She is fixing the mistake. I hope it is okay with her teacher.

I still can’t figure out that line between letting her do the homework, helping her do the homework and taking over her homework.

Getting the project started

Sue making a card while she waits for mama

Making the circles for the counting by 2s

Adding the stickers

All done!

Doing This All Wrong

Posted on January 22, 2013 | Leave a comment

I am probably doing this all wrong by blogging about it. Because I don’t think I really want any advice. But maybe I do. I am a little conflicted.

It’s about this little girl

Me and my kitty

I adore this little girl. I mean totally adore. I love having her with me. I love the things she comes up with. I mean who wouldn’t? Her New Year’s resolution was to make her hugs warmer. What’s not to love?

I can’t believe she is almost at her hundredth day of school. She is the youngest in her class, but is doing great. She is an amazing social butterfly. She can make friends anywhere and everywhere. She is saying good bye to every kid we see at the end of school.

I know she likes it there and they like her.

But we’ve had two perplexing calls from the school that her tummy hurt and she was running a slight temperature. So we brought her home. And she was fine. Especially this last time. I swear she dipped the thermometer in someone’s coffee to make that temperature happen, because she was perfectly fine at home.

And then today. She said her tummy hurt. Her sisters have both been battling a tummy bug. So who’s to say she isn’t the latest victim. Except she has been fine all day. None of the symptoms of her sisters. And she admitted that while her tummy hurt, her biggest reason for staying home is missing mommy.

Loving on each other

I keep the days low key when anyone is home sick. I try not to make it fun. But it is hard to know when to try and have them tough it out and when to let them have the comfort of home. Hmmmm. And I freely admit I love having them home with me. Caitlyn was a little hesitant about going today and it was hard not to give in to that as the mom and just have her stay with me. It was hard to be a responsible adult and have her go to school. But I did. And so far no calls.

It appears that was the right call. Was keeping Sue home the right call? Is there are hard and fast right or wrong answer? Is it so bad to keep them home?

Hmmm.

lifetouch_20121113081524

More Therapy Fun

Posted on January 19, 2013 | Leave a comment

Patrice really is doing well in therapy. The other day she told told me she was “carry.” It took a bit of work, but we sorted out that she was was saying “curious.”

Tonight we stood in the pantry, so nicely stocked with the generosity of others, and we named off what was in there. Her pronunciation can be a bit rough and I still often say “I have no idea what you just said.” but we are definitely getting there.

I am so thankful for our speech therapist. I am especially thankful for a Godly woman that truly loves my daughter.

As I mentioned, the other day we went to the school she works out of instead of her coming to us. We played in the sensory room. We are working not only with Patrice’s speech in therapy but also her gross and fine motor skills. We lost some ground while Patrice was sick, but we’ll get it back.

Hard to climb when your foot gets stuck

Playing in the ball pit

This was a toughy

just a swingin’

Having fun, learning and getting stronger

Posted on January 17, 2013 | 1 comment

Patrice is doing great in speech therapy. Her vocabulary is up to age level. Now we are working pronunciation and physical skills. Yesterday we went to a gross motor skills play time. They invite all the kids in the program to play on climbing structures, stairs (which for some reason Patrice LOVES), the cozy coupe cars, and lots of other activities to work on core strength and balance.

I like to dunk the basketball

Static Fun

1 Comment

Posted in Patrice

A Tale of Two Mes

Posted on January 13, 2013 | 12 comments

There are two people living in me. And I am not dealing well with this fact.

On the one hand, I am a good mama. I take care of my kids, and my home (okay, don’t look around at the home right now…). I talk to my husband. I love my family so much. And that is the real me. The me I recognize.

Then there is this one me. An angry, angry me. She was escaping for a few days. Then the doctor upped my medication and she doesn’t show anymore. He said it was mania or depression. The horrible words and screaming are not escaping. But the angry woman is still there.

She gets so angry. Her thoughts and words are vile. And I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t scream the words and get them out. No one would ever forgive me if I said those things to them.

So I read my Bible more. It says what is in the heart comes out the mouth. So I have to fix the heart, right?

It’s not working.

The anger, judgement, and hatred are still there.

I don’t know what to do.

And I hate myself for it.

This isn’t how I am supposed to feel, think or act. This isn’t how I was raised.

I am a Christian woman. I spend time reading the Bible. I know an awful lot of what is in there. I have been studying it since I was 4. I am definitely not supposed to be thinking or feeling this way. I can’t even bring myself to tell any of my friends from church. What would they think? The woman inside of me really is that bad.

Have you ever struggled with anger? What did you do about it?

12 Comments

Posted in depression, Postpartum Depression

How to Be Happy

Posted on January 10, 2013 | 1 comment

Are we ever really happy? Are we capable of being happy?

When I was working, I wanted to be home with my kids. Now that I am home, I don’t want to be working, but I want…something.

I love watching Patrice play. I love talking to her throughout the day. I am so relieved I am home right now as we battled lice (we have come out the victors) and now are dancing with the stomach virus.

But that’s what I am–home. I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything. My claim to fame this week? I washed, folded and put away ALL THE LAUNDRY. Okay wait, that is a HUGE claim to fame and I am very proud…but back to our regularly scheduled programming…

I am lonely. I don’t go to Bible Studies. I haven’t even been to church. I go grocery shopping once a week.

I told my hubby earlier today that I was going to go out when he got home. But then realized what I really want is people, and if I go somewhere I will be alone. So, I’m better off staying home.

Am I alone in this conundrum? Do any of you mamas feel it? How do you deal with it?

1 Comment

Posted in random thoughts

Nobody Talks About

Posted on January 8, 2013 | 5 comments

The last two weeks I have been battling something. I didn’t talk about it for days unless it was completely unavoidable. I even kept my mouth shut on social media expect in private messages. I was terrified of judgement. I was afraid people would think I was a bad mom.

We were battling head lice. That is an epic battle in a house of 5 people.

But nobody talks about it. Nobody warns you of all the laundry. All the tears shed by the girls as their heads are combed through again. Nobody tells you how isolated you will feel as you are afraid to go to church or public places for fear of spreading the little buggers.

And nobody told me the anger it would incite inside of me. How I would feel so helpless and mocked as I did everything to get rid of them only to have us find more bugs.

Unfortunately, lice are not the only things mamas don’t talk about.

People don’t talk much about depression and mental illnesses. It is taboo. We want to pretend it is not there, because then it can’t happen to us, right?

This attitude hurts mamas. They bring home a baby through adoption or birth. The happiest time of their lives, right? And yet they are filled with anxiety, anger, rage, sadness. But they don’t talk about it. They don’t find out postpartum depression is very common and treatable. They slug it out alone.

But you don’t have to. There are lots of mamas that know the reality of postpartum depression. I found an amazing community on twitter, #ppdchat. We have moderated chats twice on Mondays (yesterday we were even trending during one of the chats) and the rest of the week there are always mamas if you just tweet with the hashtag.

I also found great support through my midwife. She worked with me for over a year until I found a psychiatrist who could help.

It takes work, which is likely no what a mama wants to hear when already doing so much with a new baby, but just like that baby is worth all that work, so is the mama.

Reach out, get help, talk about it.

5 Comments

Posted in depression, Postpartum Depression

No Special Word or Topic–Just Rambling

Posted on January 4, 2013 | 5 comments

The last couple weeks have not been what I dreamed of. Ever since the Sandy Hook tragedy, I had dreamt of having all my girls home with me and how wonderful our time would be.

It has not turned out that way.

We visited my grandma the first Saturday of break. She was non responsive and died hours after we were there. This was my dad’s mom. It broke my heart that he wasn’t there. That pain never goes away, even after 8 years.

Then we discovered one of the girls had brought lice home from school. The hallmark of our holiday has been combing and shampooing heads and washing everything not tied down. We even ended up having to get a prescription medication. I *think* the little suckers are gone. I hate them. They are a scourge from the pits of hell. I bathed the girls again yesterday with special medicine. We got done and Caitlyn said “so they like clean heads, right?” Yes. “So we just washed our head again so they are clean…” Yes, Caitlyn. I have been wondering the same thing. All the research says they prefer clean heads…so what do you have to do to get rid of them? Make your head cleaner than ever. Anybody else see the problem with this? (update, when I checked this morning there were no little buggers, that is two checks in a row!!!) This is the first time I have admitted our lice problem publicly. I have been so embarrassed and ashamed and angry over it. Please don’t judge.

After Christmas we headed back up north to my family for my grandma’s funeral. I didn’t think I would cry, but lost it when Patrice looked at her in the coffin and said, “hi Grandma!” Just like she had done when we visited her. Patrice has never known grandma any different so she did what made sense, she said hi. When I told the girls Grandma had died and gone to heaven, Sue said, “then we can’t be sad, right?” My dad died before I got married, and my grandpa died 36 hours before Patrice was born, so my girls will never know them. That makes me sad. My heart hurts.

I also saw a new psych this week. My old one does not take our new insurance. I have mourned this extensively. I am still heartbroken over it. But I saw the new one in the nick of time. I have had a lot of anger and frustration since Christmas day. A lot. And it has been getting worse. The new doctor upped my lithium. And in infinite wisdom said the anger could be mania or depression. Way to clear that up, huh? And he wants me to start seeing a therapist (my old doctor did both). He gave me a place to call. I don’t want to. I can’t bear to start over. And our insurance only covers half of it. I’m not sure what to do. Sigh…

How was your Christmas? Were you able to make all the memories you had hoped for?

5 Comments

Posted in Caitlyn, depression, Patrice, Sue