A Tale of Two Mes

There are two people living in me. And I am not dealing well with this fact.

On the one hand, I am a good mama. I take care of my kids, and my home (okay, don’t look around at the home right now…). I talk to my husband. I love my family so much. And that is the real me. The me I recognize.

Then there is this one me. An angry, angry me. She was escaping for a few days. Then the doctor upped my medication and she doesn’t show anymore. He said it was mania or depression. The horrible words and screaming are not escaping. But the angry woman is still there.

She gets so angry. Her thoughts and words are vile. And I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t scream the words and get them out. No one would ever forgive me if I said those things to them.

So I read my Bible more. It says what is in the heart comes out the mouth. So I have to fix the heart, right?

It’s not working.

The anger, judgement, and hatred are still there.

I don’t know what to do.

And I hate myself for it.

This isn’t how I am supposed to feel, think or act. This isn’t how I was raised.

I am a Christian woman. I spend time reading the Bible. I know an awful lot of what is in there. I have been studying it since I was 4. I am definitely not supposed to be thinking or feeling this way. I can’t even bring myself to tell any of my friends from church. What would they think? The woman inside of me really is that bad.

Have you ever struggled with anger? What did you do about it?

Survive til you Thrive!

12 Responses to A Tale of Two Mes

  1. The enemy is telling lies again; he likes it when we keep secrets. Confess your iniquities to your most trusted friend and spiritual authority. You know I am always in prayer over you. <3

  2. @embarrassminds

    I’ve been totally irritable the last few days. Not in a rage but really unreasonable. It makes me a bad mum and I’m ashamed of it.

  3. What if your friends from church weren’t as hard on you as you are thinking? What would happen if they were there for you, let you talk to them, maybe even understood a little, gave you a hug? I haven’t gone to church much lately, but the people I have met in church have always been pretty understanding & nonjudgemental. I don’t have any advice on dealing with this but I wanted to comment at least to let you know I am thinking of you. xo

  4. @embarrassminds

    By which I don’t in any way imply that you’re not a good mum, because I’m sure you are. I just don’t manage my problem that well. I can’t stand feeling this way.

  5. @embarrassminds

    I have a horrible feeling that I’ve put my foot right in it and offended you. If so I’m genuinely very sorry. I’ve just had a very bad day.

  6. @embarrassminds

    Thank god I was really worried. It really has been a bad day…

  7. I have had those days. I’m so sorry.

  8. I quit eating most grains and all that anger went away.

    • I love you and pray for you daily. God knows your struggles and He is holding your hand and carrying you when needed. You are a wonderful mom, wife, and friend. We will keep praying for relief.

  9. I’ve been thinking a lot, and here’s what I believe. We are defined not by our feelings, abilities, diseases, or thoughts. We are defined by our choices. You are a good mom because you are fighting, you are a good wife because you are trying. You are a darn good human being because that’s who you’ve chosen to be. The rest? Is what’s happening to you. It isn’t who you are.

  10. I reflected on this a lot because your post really resonated with me. I struggled with anger and rage. I still lose my temper and yell at my girls. I looked at where my anger was coming from. Deep down, all that anger was based in anxiety and fear. Once I brought those feelings out into the light and journaled about them, I felt better able to take a step back from that anger. My temper was a like a hair trigger, liable to blow at any moment. When I feel that anger, rage and frustration building, I am aware of my physical cues. I will literally stomp and talk (sometimes very loudly) about my feelings. I have only done this at home. It seems to help everyone. That is how I dealt with it.

    I agree with Story. You are not your feelings. We all have good and dark within us; it is the choices that we make that define us. No one is perfect. All mamas get upset at their kids and raise their voices. Hugs.

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