A Tale of Two Mes

There are two people living in me. And I am not dealing well with this fact.

On the one hand, I am a good mama. I take care of my kids, and my home (okay, don’t look around at the home right now…). I talk to my husband. I love my family so much. And that is the real me. The me I recognize.

Then there is this one me. An angry, angry me. She was escaping for a few days. Then the doctor upped my medication and she doesn’t show anymore. He said it was mania or depression. The horrible words and screaming are not escaping. But the angry woman is still there.

She gets so angry. Her thoughts and words are vile. And I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t scream the words and get them out. No one would ever forgive me if I said those things to them.

So I read my Bible more. It says what is in the heart comes out the mouth. So I have to fix the heart, right?

It’s not working.

The anger, judgement, and hatred are still there.

I don’t know what to do.

And I hate myself for it.

This isn’t how I am supposed to feel, think or act. This isn’t how I was raised.

I am a Christian woman. I spend time reading the Bible. I know an awful lot of what is in there. I have been studying it since I was 4. I am definitely not supposed to be thinking or feeling this way. I can’t even bring myself to tell any of my friends from church. What would they think? The woman inside of me really is that bad.

Have you ever struggled with anger? What did you do about it?