No Special Word or Topic–Just Rambling

The last couple weeks have not been what I dreamed of. Ever since the Sandy Hook tragedy, I had dreamt of having all my girls home with me and how wonderful our time would be.

It has not turned out that way.

We visited my grandma the first Saturday of break. She was non responsive and died hours after we were there. This was my dad’s mom. It broke my heart that he wasn’t there. That pain never goes away, even after 8 years.

Then we discovered one of the girls had brought lice home from school. The hallmark of our holiday has been combing and shampooing heads and washing everything not tied down. We even ended up having to get a prescription medication. I *think* the little suckers are gone. I hate them. They are a scourge from the pits of hell. I bathed the girls again yesterday with special medicine. We got done and Caitlyn said “so they like clean heads, right?” Yes. “So we just washed our head again so they are clean…” Yes, Caitlyn. I have been wondering the same thing. All the research says they prefer clean heads…so what do you have to do to get rid of them? Make your head cleaner than ever. Anybody else see the problem with this? (update, when I checked this morning there were no little buggers, that is two checks in a row!!!) This is the first time I have admitted our lice problem publicly. I have been so embarrassed and ashamed and angry over it. Please don’t judge.

After Christmas we headed back up north to my family for my grandma’s funeral. I didn’t think I would cry, but lost it when Patrice looked at her in the coffin and said, “hi Grandma!” Just like she had done when we visited her. Patrice has never known grandma any different so she did what made sense, she said hi. When I told the girls Grandma had died and gone to heaven, Sue said, “then we can’t be sad, right?” My dad died before I got married, and my grandpa died 36 hours before Patrice was born, so my girls will never know them. That makes me sad. My heart hurts.

I also saw a new psych this week. My old one does not take our new insurance. I have mourned this extensively. I am still heartbroken over it. But I saw the new one in the nick of time. I have had a lot of anger and frustration since Christmas day. A lot. And it has been getting worse. The new doctor upped my lithium. And in infinite wisdom said the anger could be mania or depression. Way to clear that up, huh? And he wants me to start seeing a therapist (my old doctor did both). He gave me a place to call. I don’t want to. I can’t bear to start over. And our insurance only covers half of it. I’m not sure what to do. Sigh…

How was your Christmas? Were you able to make all the memories you had hoped for?

Survive til you Thrive!

5 Responses to No Special Word or Topic–Just Rambling

  1. I did make a lot of great memories, but Christmas day was tainted a little for me. I have not told anyone of this really but my husband and I had yet another argument. I was a little down about my weight (I have gained lots of pounds because of the meds I take) and he gave me clothes for Christmas. I was trying to act fine and I thought I was doing an okay job, but he told me my attitude was ruining Christmas. He had other things to say and my response was “I am so sick of being married to you!” I regret saying that. I regret fighting in front of my 2 1/2 year old. I just hate that my husband constantly reminds me that I am not like the “old Tina.” It sucks because I am trying so hard all of the time.

  2. SO all of that to say…I didn’t have a picture perfect Christmas either…

  3. I hear ya sweetie. It is hard not being ourselves. We know we are not ourselves and it is even harder to have someone remind us of that. Sigh

  4. I am sorry that is rough, I hope the new year brings clarity, peace and happiness!

  5. Oh goodness! This Christmas may not have been the memory-making event you had in mind, but you still got to spend quality time with your kiddos!

    I am so sorry about your Grandma. I understand completely. My kids will never know my husband’s Dad or any of their great grandparents on my side. It’s a rough road.

    I am sorry about your new doctor, too. I think I’d look for another that the new insurance covers.

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