Investing

My older girls have a snow day today.  I’m good with that.  We didn’t get a lot of snow but our school system has no bussing and I don’t like the thought of being one of all those parents out there carting around my kids.

Several other things have been canceled today as well, either because of snow or because kids were unexpectedly home from school.  When one person on my facebook canceled something she said she needed to invest in her children today.

This has been gnawing at me ever since.

Most days I am not investing.  And I hate it.  I am not the mother I dreamed of being.  Lately, a day has been a win if I haven’t yelled or screamed at anyone.  That is the only criteria.

It’s not that I don’t desire to go beyond that, but so many days it is just hard.  It is hard to get beyond survival.  Like this morning.  I wasn’t mad at anyone, but it was hard to be investing while cleaning pee off the carpet, being asked for a snack and an additional million things.

How do I thrive in that?

My moments are taken with potty training, homework and book reading.

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When do I just be with them and love on them?  How do I balance that with my need for space?  Am I allowed to need space?

When I was working outside the home I gave myself very little time away from them as I was already gone for so much of the day.  Now, I am home, and I give myself even less time away from them.  I wanted to be home.  I should be enjoying every moment, soaking it in, investing in them.

They will be grown and gone before I know it.  I have to invest now before my window of opportunity is gone and they are out in the world.  How dare I, as a woman, a  mother and a Christian, just survive.

More and more often I am coming to the realization I am not cut out to be a mother.  I am failing my children, my husband and my God.  I am a terrible mistake.

6 Responses to Investing

  1. OK. Deep breath. You are not failing everyone around you (although, truth be told, I often feel that way myself). Are you children dressed today (and pajamas count because it is a snow day)? Have you fed them or provided them with snacks they can access on their own? Did you kiss your husband good-bye when he left this morning? Have you told anyone today that you love them? Have you had snuggle time with any of the girls? If you have done half of these things, you can’t consider yourself a failure!

    Charity, I know you are overwhelmed and you are beating yourself up about it, but stop and look at “investing” like this: We all invest what we have. Some are millionaires and can invest thousands without batting an eye. Some are stressed out moms with little kids who are stretched to pay the most important bills, but invest a couple pennys while at Meijer so their children can ride Sandy.

    Invest what you can today. Maybe try and have 5 minutes of one-on-one time with each of the girls and with hubby. You don’t have to do projects or go sledding or paint fingernails or braid hair to invest. Just sit and talk and hug and love on them.

    Until YOU are better, you may be in survival mode for a while. That’s okay. Strive to have memorable MOMENTS. They may not all be beautiful, rainbow-and-sparkled-covered memories, but that’s OK! No one has perfect days every day as a mom. NO ONE!

    Love you!

  2. Oh, and if I hear you call yourself a mistake again, I will personally drive to you, snowstorm or no, and remind you with fervor that you are NOT a mistake!!!!

  3. I’m right behind Amy! You are not a mistake!!! You were investing in your children while you were cleaning up pee. When you read, when you potty train, when you help with homework. When you answer a question
    When you provide a meal. When you provide clean clothes
    Not necessarily folded ones. When you TRY to not yell. You are a daughter of God. He DOES NOT make mistakes. I can be there tonight
    Directions?

  4. I don’t know how to like a comment on here but I totally agree with what Amy said. You are NOT a mistake!!!

  5. Charity, I am ready to drive in snow covered roads to come see you and give you a huge hug. You are not a mistake. You are not a failure. The constant questions, wiping up pee from the floor and getting snacks drives me bonkers too. I love the moments where I can just cuddle with the girls or read with them. Those are the small moments that I hold on to. Those are the memories that your girls will remember – the fun crafts, blowing bubbles on the potty, and reading at the library. I am thinking of you daily.

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