The Fixer

My hubby can fix anything.

Really.  I mean it.  And he’s not afraid to try.  He thinks it through, figures it out and does it.

I am in awe of him.  He is so smart.  He can fix anything.

Like today, he fixed an electrical problem for some friends of ours.  I am so proud of him my heart could burst.

Recently he fixed one of our vehicles.  The shop had quoted us a lot to fix it.  We couldn’t afford it, so we brought it home.  And my hubby tackled it.  He ran into problems, so he even fashioned his own tools.  He fixed it for pocket change, in one afternoon.

He is absolutely amazing.

But there is one thing he can’t fix.  And it makes me cry.  He can’t fix me.  I’m afraid no one can.

I’m not depressed in the same way I was while working, but something has been seriously wrong since Christmas.  My anger, rage and frustration have grown exponentially.  All to often they boil over.  It’s not pretty.  It hurts so badly.

It is affecting my family.

Earlier this week things got difficult.  Afterward I was working on staying calm.  Caitlyn said “Are you trying to be calm NOW?”  And worst of all, today, she snapped at Sue.  Hubby asked her why.  She said, “don’t you even listen to mommy?  That’s the way she is.”

That was quite a few hours ago.  I haven’t stopped crying.  I am trying so hard.  We upped a medication a few weeks ago.  I’m adding a new one this weekend.  I am spending more time reading my Bible.  But so far, to no avail.

I’m beginning to think I am unfixable.


Survive til you Thrive!

5 Responses to The Fixer

  1. So sorry that you are going through this. I may not have any words of advice but I am reading. You seem so strong & I don’t believe for one second that you are unfixable. I hope the new med helps. Thinking of you. Lots of love to you.

  2. Charity,
    I am sending you my love. I pray for you daily. Your self-awareness is growing on a daily basis. You are not stuffing your emotions like you used to. You have gone through several transitions since the holidays – losing your job, transitioning to being a SAHM, and switching psychiatrists. Give yourself grace. Think of yourself as a phoenix rising from the ashes of your old life. I believe in you. You will be well. You will get better. You have to believe that you can be fixed. I believe that. Believe in yourself the way your friends believe in you. We are standing behind you, sending you so much love and grace.

  3. I know it’s hard to believe (and trust me, I have trouble believing it about myself) but you are not unfixable. It’s so, so hard and you’ve been dealing with a lot. I still see a lot of change in you for the better and I know that you’re working very hard. I’m proud of you for all that you’ve done.

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