She’s Mine–Don’t Take Her

Patrice made her pregnancy unique by flipping and flopping in my belly, spending way too much time breech, coming out blue–doing it her way.

Postpartum was unique as well with the onset of severe postpartum anxiety and depression.  Thanks to those issues, I got an extended maternity leave, which equaled more time with Patrice than I had at the early age with my other two.

And there in began to grow a seed of worry.

Why was I getting more time with her?  What was going to happen to her?  Was she going to be taken from me too young, too early?  Would her days be short?

To be honest, I can’t believe I’m putting this out there.  I’ve only said it out loud one other time.  It was poo pooed.

I went back to work when it was time, but had a few more times off due to the depression and related issues.  And the fear niggled.

Then, out of the blue, I lost my job.  Overnight I became a stay-at-home mom.  Almost every moment of my life is with Patrice.

And I love it.

I love being here for her speech therapy.  I love watching (most) of her two year old antics.  I would have loved those things with the other two, but I didn’t get it. I have the time now.  Why?

Am I going to lose her?  Don’t get me wrong, she has no health problems, beyond what illnesses her sisters bring home from school, but is something going to happen to her?  How do I soak it all in, just in case?  What is my responsibility to her in these days?  How can I best love and hang on to her without smothering her?

I have no idea.  And again, I am shocked I am writing this, I am shocked I am putting this out there.  But, it has been weighing on me heavily as of late and I simply don’t know what to do with it…

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Survive til you Thrive!

11 Responses to She’s Mine–Don’t Take Her

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling with that kind of anxiety. I know it’s hard not to worry about the bad things. I really hope you can find a way to enjoy this time with her and cherish it without anxiety. Maybe this is God’s way of giving you the chance you missed out on with your other 2?

    • My heart and mind wants to know why He is giving me this time, but I cram the feeling down and hug her and play with her and feel guilty for her time in front of the tv, like every mom on the planet.

  2. Whew. I know this feeling. I’ve felt it in some weird ways. I’m proud of you for putting it out there. Your words and raw emotion have given me chills. Love to you.

  3. Charity, this post brought me to tears because I know this feeling all too well. My youngest is the same age as your Patrice, and she did have some health issues. To this day, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wonder if she is spoiled too much because she was so very sick as a baby. All we can do is keep talking about this anxiety. Once we talk about it, it lessens our burden a bit. Sending you my love.

    • Patrice definitely gets more of me, in part because of the extra time home, and the fact that she is my last, and I am sure due to this fear. She was just a dream in my heart as one of my best friends watched her 10 year old die of an incurable disease. I will never shake the image of their good byes…

      But our hearts soldier on. We put one foot in front of the other, even when we don’t know what else to do. One foot in front of the other.

  4. The fear comes from how intense your love and joy are to be with her. The feelings are overwhelming because they make you feel vulnerable. In some ways it’s very normal.

    But the thing we do where we keep the scary thoughts secret? That’s the part that’s dangerous. Keep speaking up, keep leaning on people who love you. The fear and the doubt can’t survive the light, can’t survive the “me too”s.

    • The me toos are a precious thing. They make life so much easier to bear. Wasn’t it CS Lewis that said, “Friendship is when two people say, you too, I thought I was the only one.” (That might be an awful paraphrase)

  5. I’m glad that you put it out there. This is more common than you know. Every time I say bye to my boy when I drop him off, a huge weight is dropped on my chest.
    “Did I remember to kiss him?”
    “What if I didn’t and something happened?”
    and so on and so on.
    It’s a hard fear to overcome.
    You love her fiercely.

    • I am shocked to see how common it is…my husband poo pooed it as a horrible thing to think, so wasn’t sure if I was just horribly morbid…I love her so much. The ache of that is so much.

  6. I have similar fears, but it consists with all three of mine (my oldest is 7). My biggest issue is having to personally check on them every night and if by chance I do not get to check on them – just that one night – something will happen to them. It is so hard emotionally and mentally to be a parent when there is so much worry and anxiety involved! Hugs to you!

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