Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote this post about my faith.
I was struggling. Truly floundering. Like I had never done.
Then suddenly, the struggle ended. About the same time I lost my job, the desire to seek the Lord came back. Praying seemed worthwhile again, whether or not there were answers, church wasn’t such a hardship. I was still somewhat uncomfortable in the services, but it was livable.
Unfortunately, I have noticed over the last month or so, that things have gotten harder. I am still reading my Bible, thank you YouVersion, and praying some. But man the services are HARD. Today I had to walk out during the singing portion. It just hurt too much. I literally felt shock waves of pain going through me, radiating along my spine.
I went outside for a minute to get some food to donate to local food banks, then came back in, not sure what to do. I looked at the books for sale in the church library. And then sat down in the foyer in time for the sermon to start.
I was okay. There were parts of the sermon that stung. Isn’t that the point? But I could sit there. I could hear it. I could receive it without pain and tears.
I don’t understand. I really don’t. I know the lat few days have been hard mentally. I had to call the psych for some advice and renew my usage of Xanax. That has taken the edge off.
But I didn’t expect today. I didn’t anticipate walking out of church, needing to escape. And once again, I don’t know where to go from here. So, I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other until something makes sense again…and hope that’s soon.