Early Mornings All Around

We’ve been up since 5:30 this morning. Sue woke up sick. And thus ended our night. Daddy got up to help me, but I couldn’t settle back to sleep.

We were early risers today, but my daddy was always an early riser. Most of my growing up years he owned and operated a sawmill. He always said the best part of being your own boss was you could choose which 12 hours of the day you wanted to work. Most days he chose 12+ hours.

But every night he came in to watch the eleven o’clock news. He wanted to see the weather. Every night he would fall asleep at the commercial break just before the weather and wake up as soon as the report finished. Every.Night.

My daddy was a walking miracle. He really was.

He worked as a welder before he started the sawmill. One day at work, when I was five or six, he was run over by a hi-lo at work. It narrowly missed his head. Very narrowly. He had to have back surgery and as part of it they fused two discs together. He could not bend his back for a year following the surgery. And he followed the rules. He got very good at squatting down to do things. I remember so clearly his squatting down to pick strawberries in the patch we had along the fence. Seriously people, I can see it in my mind’s eye like it was yesterday.

I took my girls strawberry picking this year for the first time. We had a great time going out on a train ride, picking strawberries, having cider and donuts and playing on these huge wooden play structures. I wish my daddy could have seen it.

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There is no end to the things I wish he could see. But most of all, I wish I could let go of the regret and guilt I have over the years I lost with my daddy. There were so many times I went up north to visit my mom and didn’t go to his place. There were so many holidays I should have called, but I didn’t know exactly what to say. I would give anything to do those lost years over.

But I can’t. So please forgive me as a few times a year I pour out my memories and regrets here, please forgive my attempts to salve my guilty conscience. I loved him so much, but I lost a few years. And now he’s gone. Nine years gone.

 

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Survive til you Thrive!

2 Responses to Early Mornings All Around

  1. Dear sweet Charity,
    I know what your daddy would want…forgive yourself! You are forgiven. Pour yourself into loving those precious little girls and remember and cherish all of the good. Don’t dwell on your regrets…learn from them and go forward having learned from them. Nothing is a waste. You are a good daughter and a good mother. Your daddy would be so pleased with you and would LOVE your husband and ADORE the granddaughters. Enjoy yours blessings…your daddy would!! I love you.
    Aunt Audrey

  2. A line from a favorite sitcom goes, “If ‘ifs and buts’ were candies and nuts, we’d all have a wonderful Christmas.” The fact is there have been choices made by everyone that we all live to regret sometimes. But here is another fact, Dad loved you! Even during the hard years, Dad loved you. Don’t dwell in the hurt; you know he forgave you long before you ever thought you ever needed it. He knew why you were hurt and made the choices that you felt you need to make. Dad had dealt with angry daughters more than once in his lifetime. 😉 Dad would have been happy with how you are working daily on your marriage and raising your girls. He would be proud of how you are beating MS and inspired by your fight for your mental health. Dad would not want be a burden on your heart. You keep doing what you are doing with your family. We are Dad’s legacy; his girls and their husbands and his grandbabies.

    Live for today and make each day count in even in the smallest ways. You know that Dad never stood on ceremony and found “special days” to be frivolous. What always mattered to Dad was the moment; being there to help someone at the side of the road with a flat or seeing a special trinket in the store that he thought someone might enjoy and to pick it up just because he had the means at that moment and could touch someone’s heart for no reason. Live your life with a purpose; to be an unexpected surprise perpetually, reaching out to the best of your abilities when the opportunity presents itself. That, sister, is our legacy.

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