I am living on the edges right now.
I have the corner on perfect parenting right now. My kids are yelling in the other room. I am hiding in the kitchen. They’ll come get me if someone is bleeding, right?
I just can’t take the noise right now. So I am living on the edges.
And I’m hoping it is just an off day. But, often the intolerance of noise has been the harbinger for a terrible downturn mentally. Here I am, living on the edges of terror.
Will this become the downturn I have been dreading? The one I can’t return from? The one to test the newest doc?
I dreamt last night of the wonderful psych doctor I used to have. I am so scared of facing a real crisis without him. I have landed at a doctor he trained with, but their practice philosophies are not the same. And there is no relationship at this point.
I don’t want to test it. So, I grasp the splinters radiating through my mind and beg them to stay together, beg them to just be a bad day. I plead with the unraveling to be temporary–just here for today.
I can’t go back where I was. I can’t watch it all race through my fingers. I can’t let go.
So I live on the edges, praying my girls can forgive me for not being fully present, fully available.
I’ll be okay, they’ll be okay…right???
Survive til you Thrive!