On the Edges

I am living on the edges right now.

I have the corner on perfect parenting right now.  My kids are yelling in the other room.  I am hiding in the kitchen.  They’ll come get me if someone is bleeding, right?

I just can’t take the noise right now.  So I am living on the edges.

And I’m hoping it is just an off day.  But, often the intolerance of noise has been the harbinger for a terrible downturn mentally.  Here I am, living on the edges of terror.

Will this become the downturn I have been dreading?  The one I can’t return from?  The one to test the newest doc?

I dreamt last night of the wonderful psych doctor I used to have.  I am so scared of facing a real crisis without him.  I have landed at a doctor he trained with, but their practice philosophies are not the same.  And there is no relationship at this point.

I don’t want to test it.  So, I grasp the splinters radiating through my mind and  beg them to stay together, beg them to just be a bad day.  I plead with the unraveling to be temporary–just here for today.

I can’t go back where I was.  I can’t watch it all race through my fingers.  I can’t let go.

So I live on the edges, praying my girls can forgive me for not being fully present, fully available.

I’ll be okay, they’ll  be okay…right???

 

Survive til you Thrive!

4 Responses to On the Edges

  1. Sweetie, I hear you. I just want you to know that you always have my love and support no matter what. You’re beautiful and strong. You can get through this.

    • Thanks. I did end up adding a med, but have had to go off it thanks to my stomach…grrr…so far I’m okay, though I had a couple rough days. But we all do sometimes, right???

  2. You will be okay. And you may need more help. But you will be okay. Just keep taking care of yourself. I am here if you need me.

  3. As you know, I did start a med and it helped. I got out of it. I took myself off that med because of my stomach. I was off all psych meds for about a week because of my stomach, but I had to go back on the heavy hitter. I can’t splinter now..

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *