Wondering How I Am

I am wandering around, wondering how I am.

Wednesday I was great.  I got to see one of my absolute favorite people.  Had a great day.  Then had an errant thought that won’t leave.  It has me all tied in knots.  I notified the correct people and had a good conversation Thursday with my therapist about coping mechanisms and how to reduce my anxiety during the holidays.

I was in a good place.

Then Saturday came.  We had a holiday party to go to.  Our only one. I was really excited.  Until we got there.

It happens to me all the time.  I am excited to go someplace and be social…until I get there.  Then, I want to climb in my shell and hide.  I am afraid every word out of my mouth will be the wrong one.  I am afraid I will offend or hurt people, or, very likely, just bore them to tears.  I am sure that every person who accidentally talks to me wants to get away.  Fast.  And I hate myself.

That was yesterday.  Thankfully one friend I can be totally myself with was there.  And her pretty baby.  Whom I got to cuddle and rock to sleep.  My hubby even complimented me on my baby skills, “you’ve still got  it.”

I totally don’t miss the infant days.  I absolutely miss having a baby I can focus on in hard situations.  Sigh.

And today?  I am completely uncomfortable in my own skin.  I feel like I’m dragging, while my heart is racing with half formed thoughts of how I need to hide and get away.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I don’t know how to be around people.

That’s the place I am in.

Survive til you Thrive!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *