Well, let’s back up a few week first…
A few weeks ago I began to feel the darkness of depression coming. It was coming down as a mantle across my shoulders. I just wanted to sit in it, welcome it, wrap myself in it. But, unfortunately, that option is not conducive with actually living.
Yet, the depression stayed. It manifest abnormally for me. It caused tears, but not mania or anxiety. It made me want to stay in bed, not move frantically to out run its bad self.
It just wasn’t right. It wasn’t me.
So I screwed up my courage, and I called my doctor. She wasn’t in. Wouldn’t be in for three days. Those were a long three days.
Thankfully, she called back early her first day back in the office. We added a medication I had previously been on. I had gone off it because another, unrelated, doctor thought it was causing my stomach issues. Coming off didn’t help, but that’s where I was.
A few days later…I started to feel a little better. Was I better or was it a placebo affect, eh, who cares!!!
And today, I realized, I am in a good place. Not only is the depression at bay, but so is the rage. Glory Hallelujah!!!
I’ve been experiencing rage for so long and the medications I expected to help were not touching. I decided it was just me, just that I could not control myself and did not deserve happiness or joy. As the rage would flare, I feared my children would grow to hate me, that they would run as soon as possible.
Then today, I realized, I am reacting to situations with the frustration or agitation they deserve, not the over-the-top destructive anger.
I am giddy with this realization. I have so much hope. So much joy. And a lot less fear.
I have aspirations of my family loving me, wanting me in their life and wanting to be in mine.
Hope is good.
*Yes, I am aware with this switch in my mood thanks to the addition of an antidepressant, that I need to monitor my mood for hypomania, but for today y’all, I’m just going to have hope, sweet hope.
Survive til you Thrive!