I am joining with a group of bloggers today to share my story in hopes to help bring light and life to mental health concerns.
I’ve been pretty open the last three years about the twists and turns my mental health has taken thanks to postpartum depression/postpartum anxiety that became bipolar disorder.
In the beginning, my journey skewed heavily toward depression and anxiety. Turns out anxiety is also a way mania presents, but in the early days it was just absolutely immobilizing.
It’s kind of that way today, but that strays from my original thought.
Over the last few months I have been experiencing more hypomania (not as high of a high as mania). And around Christmas there was stretch that lasted days, weeks. I didn’t recognize it at first. I was sleeping, which is not normal for me during mania. Turns out that was only thanks to a medication that can make a horse sleep. Again, I digress a bit.
It was a good time for mania. There was lots to do for the holiday. Crafts to make, cookies to bake, field trips to take. And I could do it all.
There started to be little hints that it was hypomania. But I kept thinking, no, I’m sleeping at night. I can’t be hypo.
We were downstairs and I was talking about our next project. I was getting really excited. She, wasn’t.
I kept talking, until she calmly and quietly said, “mommy, can we not do so much stuff?”
I had to hide my disappointment, I mean, heck, I had so many ideas. And so much to do. And this was the time to have fun.
But it was too much. Too much for the kids. And it is my personal opinion, when a 7 year old asks to not do so much fun, maybe you are doing too much fun.
I tried to reign it in. Over the next week I tried to slow down. I started to look around and realize I had craft projects EVERYWHERE. There was one in every room.
And bit, by bit, the turn came. The hypomania ended (that’s why your hat isn’t done my friend). I held my breath for the black hole. And it came. I spent a couple days in the deep darkness of depression. The same medication that kept me sleeping during hypo, also seemed to curtail my descent into the depression. I am very thankful for both.
Honestly, when I look around, I kind of miss the hypomania. It is so productive and makes me feel like I can handle everything coming at me, but at the same time, it can turn very ugly, the anger, rage and anxiety can be devastating, so I keep seeing my doctors and taking my meds.
I do it all, looking for normal, looking for an even keel.
Please, if you struggle with depression, get help. There are so many resources. The days can be brighter.
Check www.nami.org for information and resources.Survive til you Thrive!