Sometimes it is easy to put it all out there, the depression, the mania, the rage, the mixed. Other times, it is more complicated. The feelings are more mixed up. The thoughts are vague or just out of reach.
I find myself in the land of vague and out of reach, often. I also find myself a bit more guarded since beginning the adventure of homeschooling our girls. I don’t want people to think I can’t handle it, or shouldn’t be allowed to handle it.
Yeah, that right there is the biggest hurdle. I am afraid people will think I shouldn’t be homeschooling. When in actuality, having my girls here, gets me up, gives me structure to my days and hope. They give me so much hope.
I think they know when mama is struggling, to some degree, but that doesn’t stop them from being cute, or funny. It doesn’t stop them from hugging me, cuddling with me, loving me. When they are here, they need me to function, they need me to be present.
Yesterday was a dark day. As previously planned, we did not do school work today. We had a mini winter break this week, including Friday. But we got up at the same time, we got dressed around the same time. We worked together to make heart shaped pancakes, and then Caitlyn and I made heart wreaths. Sue and Patrice weren’t exactly interested, so I let them play and watch a little extra Disney.
Inside of me? Dark. The tears came more than I prefer and I was stuck on a dark train of thought, but Caitlyn, Sue and Patrice weren’t. They were full of joy and fun. And I couldn’t help but appreciate their playing and crafting. I was forced to think of them and others as we made the wreaths and the girls gave some to our neighbors. I was forced outside of myself.
It’s sometimes hard to have them here when my soul is pulling me inward, but I am glad they are. I’m glad they are here to do their part in the tug of war in my soul. I am glad they are here to pull against the dark, against the hard.Survive til you Thrive!