So last week I did this scavenger hunt. The Bipolar was being particularly mean and rotten. It was literally making it hard to breathe.
I slugged through the weekend, and Monday was livable. I talked to my doctor, we tweaked a medication. A plan was in place and I had hope.
Yesterday was a little more turbulent again. Just off. If it hadn’t been coming off such a really rough stretch it would be just a nuisance needing brushed away like a fly. But, since it was so close to the struggle of last week, it twisted my insides.
I woke up this morning hoping for sunshine, but like yesterday, today is, literally and metaphorically, cloudy. Moments of sun burst through, I send the girls out to play for just a few minutes, and then the darkness comes rushing back, as do the girls to the front door.
It is not a day, externally, that you want to take a long walk…you are almost guaranteed to experience cloudy, windy and rainy episodes, if you do. In the same vein, you do not want to be around me for long stretches. You also will experience, cloudy, stormy, rainy patches if you hang around.
One of my big signals for me that things are getting complicated is I over think, I obsesses and stew over things. Today it has included, someone’s ignorant Facebook status, how to place an order, how claustrophobic I feel with people in the same room as me, and that I have to take the girls to church tonight. None of these deserve a lot of thought. Most of them don’t deserve any thought, yet here I am, unable to move on.
So, I did what I know to do, I reached out to a friend who would get it, or, at least, not think I am a fruit loop for feeling it. It got me love, acceptance and another scavenger hunt.
Which means, it got you another scavenger hunt.
This was my hubby’s when he was a kid, and his siblings before him. It is 50+ years old and still works. Hubby and I really prize having it for our girls.
We got this for our wedding. I felt like such a grown up to have a real stand mixer. It has to live in the pantry in the basement because it is too big for cabinets. Poor grown up mixer.
Favorite piece of clothing for me and for the girls
I got these two pieces on clearance. They were still more than I normally spend, but they are comfy and I feel pretty in them.
This is Caitlyn’s AWANA (Bible Club) Sparks vest. This is her last year as a Spark, last year wearing a vest. Sunday night she graduates. In her next level, she will have a special shirt to wear each week.
Okay, I know this isn’t clothing, but Sue is all about unicorns. I was so excited when her Aunt got this for her.
And for something that makes me happy, I picked two. The first is the girls playscape that I got off Craigslist last year for a song. Caitlyn, particularly, loves monkey bars and I wanted them for her so badly, but there was no way I could ever pay what they wanted for new structures. The second is a battery powered Jeep that I bought for, wait for it, $10 at yard sale when Caitlyn was about 2 1/2. I’m not sure what makes me happier, my girls playing with these things or getting a great deal.
Up next is my favorite recipe. I’m stumped. Cooking makes me feel accomplished. Gives me something to invest myself in. I am by no means a gourmet chef, my cooking is rarely pretty, but I enjoy it. My current go to recipe is ravioli lasagna. And my kids actually eat it.
My friend wants to know three things I admire about myself. I really only have one right now. I admire that I keep fighting. I keep going round and round with the depression and hypomania. Truth? It would be easiest to give into the impulses to escape permanently. It would. But damn, I have these three little girls and this husband and no matter what torture I go through, I don’t want them to ever wonder why I didn’t love them enough to fight. So I fight. And I rage inside about it. I want to have the freedom to stop fighting but I don’t. I just don’t. I have three little girls that love mama. That look for mama. That will some day grow up and maybe get married, and I want to be there for them. I don’t want to be an empty chair that mocks them, so I fight.
Now on to lighter things…my favorite flower is lilacs. I love them. When hubby proposed his second question was, can the wedding flowers and color be lilac. We got married in October, which is NOT lilac season here, but my friend found the most beautiful artificial lilacs and my attendants wore gorgeous lilac dresses. In about 3 weeks, this plant will have it’s lovely lilacs bumping us as we walk into the backyard.
I have always been a voracious reader and I read all sorts of topics, so which book made me think the most is a little challenging. But I picked My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok. It is about a young boy living in the Ultra Conservative Jewish Sect the Hasidic. He is born to pain and explore with art, but unfortunately, or possibly fortunately, for him and his family, his subjects tend to be taboo topics within the community.
And to round out this lovely adventure, my friend asks for my favorite place. It’s the park Independence Oaks. We spent a lot of time there when I was struggling the most with the postpartum depression and anxiety, so it is also where I am the Oakland County Climb Out of Darkness on June 21 at 1 pm. Won’t you please partner with me?
I hope you are enjoying this chance to learn the random about me and bear with the therapeutic value these scavenger hunts are providing me.
If you, or someone you know, is struggling with depression, reach out, get help–
Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or contact your doctor.