Finding the Answers

A few years back a dear friend was going through truly the most horrific thing a parent could ever go through.

I remember something she told me then, “if skittles could cure everything, I’d be doing fine!”

Her words come back to me when life hurts.  Lately, it’s like a broken record in my mind.  I’m not a skittles person, so I’ve tried chocolate, peeps and circus peanuts.  Circus peanuts have come the closest, but they fall short.

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So I look at these faces…

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And I cling to this man.

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We keep a cadence to our days with homeschooling

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I’m trying desperately to get a hold of the doctors.  This, world, is impossible on Friday.  Do yourself a favor, if you ever deal with mental illness, make sure to have trouble only Monday through Thursday before 2:30 pm.  Getting help outside of that time is impossible.

I am praying like crazy too, and trying to keep talking so people can hear the crazy and point me back to the sane.  Both are hard, but remember the pictures of those girls?  Yeah, that’s why I fight.  I know I am a broken record, but it is good for me to see and hear my put it into words.  I will fight.  I will fight today.  I will fight tomorrow.  I will fight the uselessness of the doctor I currently see.  I will fight.  Never fear, no matter how dark my posts are, I WILL FIGHT!!!!!


Survive til you Thrive!

5 Responses to Finding the Answers

  1. No one, especially a beautiful, intelligent mother of three gorgeous girls, should have to suffer like this. I’ve been in your shoes with my own daughters, I’ve known true terror and I’ve questioned the existence of God.

    I had to admit myself to the hospital numerous times. I wound up having ECT, which actually helped me until I could find a med. cocktail that finally worked, which was an MAOI called Parnate combined with lithium. MAOI’s are an old-school med that no psychiatric doctor ever thought to tell me about until last year. MAOI’s are known as the “last resort” medication for medication-resistant bipolar depression w/suicidal ideation – the kind that I have. I’m sorry if that all info. sounds overwhelming – please forgive me if it does – I wanted to share just in case it could possibly be of any help….

    Please keep fighting the darkness. You & your family are in my prayers!


    • Thank you very much. I have tried TMS and lots of meds. Lithium and seroquel are my anchors. I was doing quite well, then a month ago got very messy. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Thank *you* Charity my dear for replying when things are hard. I left out Seroquel – my third anchor!!!! Although I took an extra 50 mg of Seroquel last night than I usually do and I’m SO groggy & out of it today. Never tried TMS although I read a memoir (3000 Pulses) about it written by a woman who said it saved her – she had “regular” depression & attempted, not bp like me. I was worried I might have offended you since I hardly know what I am writing today, so you set me at ease! WIll be keeping up those prayers!!!!!

  3. You are seeing a part of yourself that is worth fighting for, when you look at this beautiful family. Last year, a friend’s mother donated a stunning amount of money to a fundraiser I did for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. She wrote a letter saying that, as a young girl, she had been the one to find her mother, when her mother attempted suicide. Not every mother is brave enough to look her daughters in the face and keep fighting.

    You are brave. You are fighting for them. And in order to keep fighting for them, you are also fighting for you.

    • I am fighting for me, aren’t I? I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’ve had lots of people tell me I needed to fight for me, and they were right, and sometimes I could pull it off, but most days, it was not consciously for me. Me wanted to take the way out, me wanted to succumb, me fought for my girls. But you’re right, I am fighting for me too!

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