You may have noticed, I post a lot about depression. Lately, I am not just posting about it, I am also living it.
Things fell apart on my right after the evil stomach virus. The thought was, all that cookie tossing had affected my medications and their effectiveness.
So I dug in my heels, squared my shoulders hung on to my sanity, by my finger nails. I kept waiting to turn the corner, for hypomania, or at least, smiles to come back.
A couple weeks passed and all the sudden, my sense of humor came back. The day before that had been excruciatingly painful, but this day, was a giggle fest.
I assumed the darkness was gone and I could relax my grip.
The next day came and I was angry, and out of sorts. Wednesday came and it was so dark again. And it has been dark ever since. I have started withdrawing, canceling obligations, pulling internal, wishing I could escape the world.
But I couldn’t. Not that day, or any other day.
I have these three little girls. They deserve a daddy AND a mommy. So I cry, wonder how to hang on another day and do it all over again.
And with these three around, who wouldn’t?
(They are surfing. Apparently Uncle Clay taught them how…?)
I have also been leaning heavily on others who get it. I have reached out as much as I can to those who understand mental illness, and particularly bipolar disorder, as much as I can.
Yesterday, I had to immense pleasure to go Listen to Your Mother Metro Detroit (LTYM). It is a National show held in cities throughout the US, and yesterday it came to Detroit. You might remember I tried out for it and was not chosen. At yesterday’s show, I saw why–my piece was too chipper. LTYM Metro Detroit was pretty dark. I find it ironic given my current struggles, buy my piece was way to happy for that shindig. But I enjoyed many of the pieces. And my friend Kim, rocked. She was amazing. She did a phenomenal job of blending the hard and the humor.
You can’t tell, but that’s her. And she was amazing. I nodded my head as she talked, I wiped away tears, I smiled, I might have even laughed. She was amazing. And then–I got something that worth every penny of the $28 the show (ticket and parking) cost me. I got to hug Kim. I got to look into eyes I could trust when she said I could fight some more, I could fight to be better. I got to cry on someone’s shoulder who has sat on the edge of the pit and come back to life.
I’m not normally a hugger, but every time I see her, I just can help myself. She is so sweet and real and GETS it. Better than so many. Better than the doctors or the therapists. She gets it. You should check out her journey on her blog.
And today, I avoided a flogging with this lovely Canadians pancake, by going to my doctor appointment and pouring it out. I walked away with new scripts, new directions, new holes in my arms from the blood draw.
It’s a plan. It make take a few days to kick in, but I have to hang on or I’ll waste that co-pay, right? So, my current plan, to go with the med plan, is planning something every day that I HAVE to do. Yesterday was LTYM Metro Detroit and AWANA Closing Ceremony, today was my doctor appointment, tomorrow is the park, the zoo Wednesday and a visit with a cousin/friend Thursday and I’m open for suggestions on Friday, Saturday is going to book signing and getting together with some co-op friends.
So, see, I have to survive. Not for me, but for the fact that hubby doesn’t even know we have half those plans and it would be a mess.
I guess I better just knuckle under and keep on keeping on.
(I know it’s pretty dark here on the blog, and not very happy reading. Thanks for sticking with me as I slug out this round of depression.)