If you’ve been reading a while, which I hope you have, you know I used to run. Not fast, most of you could walk faster than I run, but to me, it was running.
Then a medication messed it all up. I know that sounds lame, how could a medication stop me from running, but it did. It caused muscle weakness at my extremely high dose. My doctor had warned me it was a distinct possibility but I didn’t believe him. Until the day, I was forced to admit, my legs were too weak to run anymore.
The irony? Running was my main weapon against the Bipolar Disorder. I would repeat to myself, on a bad day, “outrun the demons.” And then, the very thing it helped, stole it from me. I went from training for a half marathon to running maybe two or three sidewalk squares.
Talk about demoralizing.
I got off the medication and I thought, okay, running would come back easily. It had been somewhat easy after my second and third pregnancies, why would now be different? But it was. I didn’t see any progress AT ALL. I would run inches and have to stop. My mind would shout at me, “YOU USED TO DO 10 MILES AT A TIME. YOU WILL NEVER BE A RUNNER AGAIN.”
So, I would quit. Again and Again.
But today, I went for a walk. I got up my nerve to try a bit of running. It felt good. Over the course of my 2 mile walk, I ran a half mile. Not much, but enough. I am so excited. I am very motivated. I can’t wait to get out there again. I’m dreaming again. I’m thinking about races in September.
I really want to search for races right now and commit to it. But I’m scared. What if I don’t get there and I waste my money? What if I’m not as far along as I think I am? What if one of my many current medications sabotages me again? My mind is not being nice about signing up, making a commitment.
What would you do? Would you sign up now hoping it will motivate you? Or do you play it safe and wait until you can run the entire 3.1 miles to sign up?Survive til you Thrive!