I Dance I Rock

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain’t right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you’re asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

(Mandisa “Stronger” found on AZ Lyrics)

I’ve been asking about the rain a lot lately.  I came through the thunderstorm and flood, but there’s this constant drizzle that is wearing on me.

Sometimes it looks like a doctor brushing off my concerns.  Drip. Drip.

Or more health issues, or are they side effects?  Drip. Drip.

I look at all my medications that I am dependent on.  Drip. Drip.

My mental illness is never going away.  Splash. Splash.

A sucker punch from a family issue.  Splash. Splash.

Knowing the doctors I see don’t give a damn.  Splash.  Splash.

Missing the one doctor who ever seemed to care.  Splash.  Splash.

I navigate all of them, but as the drips and the splashes come, I get tired.  I get scared.  What if the rain never stops?  What if we are headed for another thunderstorm and the flood carries me away?

Ooh ooh-ooh, that’s right
Let’s take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that’s right
How can you know it, if you don’t even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that’s right

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That’s the risk that you take

(Coldplay “What If” found on AZ Lyrics)

The steps are hard to take.  I lean on others.  I’m afraid I’ll scare them, so I pull back.  I pull into myself.

I stand in the kitchen rocking and dancing to the music oozing from my computer.  I pray that THIS song will bring the magic I need.

I am joined  by a little girl, “see mommy, I can jump really high.  Here’s my dance.  Has it been a long dance?  2o minutes, or 7?”

“Yes my baby girl, it has been a long beautiful dance.  Dance for mama.  Jump for mama.”

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“See that stomp mama?  That’s part of my dance.  These are my sparkly shoes.  When I do a big jump, you can stop watching.  Okay mama, you can stop now.”

She returns to her play, I to my rocking, dancing, praying, begging.

“Dear God, how can I be struggling again?  Didn’t this just end a month ago?  Why are the emotions so big again?  Please, dear God, let me be overreacting.”

My mind whirls with the angst and worry.  How can things be getting dark again?  When will I be free?  Is there freedom?  What is this?

I’m back on the roller coaster.  Down.  Down.  Down.  But where’s the up?  What comes down must go up, right?

I rock.  I wait.  I tumble.  I glide.  I pray.  I hope.  I doubt.  I distrust.  I plead.

I dance.  I rock.

 

Survive til you Thrive!

5 Responses to I Dance I Rock

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. Your words describe exactly what it feels like when you’re reaching out but feeling like so many aren’t listening or there might not be an end. There is an end. You’ve felt it. You’ll get there again.

  2. Honey, sending you so much love. Thinking of you.

    • Thank you. I am terrified of going back into the pit so soon. I need more time to build up my reserves. Doc called back and we are adjusting meds again. Because, hey, it’s a new week, why not?

  3. Praying for you!!!!

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