Monthly Archives: June 2014

What I’ve Gained

Yesterday, I lamented many of the things I missed.  And I still miss those things, but there has been much gained.

When I was single, I hated not having someone miss me or care that I was gone when I traveled.  Marriage brought someone that called and checked on me, waited for me to call and let him know I was where I was supposed to be.

When I was single, I always traveled alone.  I shopped alone, I ate alone.  I prayed alone.  I went to church alone.  Now?  I have someone helping me decide when a trip is wise or ill fated.  I have someone to travel with me to weddings and funerals and long-weekends.  I have someone who will be my safe harbor.

When I was single, there was no one to know my triggers; the situations that bothered me, the areas of my life I wasn’t ready to touch.  Now?  There is someone that knows the things that get under my skin or harm me, better than I do.  There is someone looking out for me, giving me permission to walk away from people or situations that damage me.

When I was single, I was always a third wheel.  The other people in my life were always dating someone, even if it was the wrong person.  They were good to me and still invited me along, but I just didn’t fit.  I just wasn’t comfortable. Now, I am more at ease in social situations because I know my hubby is there, and no matter what dumb or stupid thing I do, there is someone who wants to go home with me.

When I was single, it was hard to find a way out of uncomfortable social situations.  Now, I have a hubby to cling to when I need to, and I have 3 kids around who need me desperately, every moment of my life.  They work nicely as as a ticket out of any awkward interactions.

When I was single, so much of my life was empty. Now?  It is full, very full.

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What I Miss

There are things I miss.

I miss researching and writing papers.  I had plans to go to graduate school for English Literature.  I had the school picked out.  I even had ideas for my thesis project.  But some things happened and I could not go through with my plan.  I started back up a decade ago in a Business degree, but again life intervened.  Plus, I didn’t want a Business degree.  I wanted an English Literature degree.  But that is not to be.  And I feel like a failure.  I was GOOD at researching and writing papers.  As Fancy Nancy says, “that’s not bragging, it’s true.  Ask anybody.”  I am sad I have lost that skill.

I miss a clean house that stays that way.  I remember before I got married, I would clean my place and not have to do it again for quite a while.  I never ran the dishwasher  And only one of the bathrooms ever got dirty.  Now?  I run the dishwasher daily.  The bathroom is always dirty.  The bedrooms are always a disaster and the kitchen always needs help.  I miss a clean house.

I know I have said this one before, but I miss being able to trust my emotions.  I miss knowing that I can trust my reactions and thoughts about various happenings and interactions.  I miss not needing a bunch of medication to get through the day.  I miss life before Patrice.  Don’t get me wrong, I love that munchkin so very, very much.  But before her, I was ordinary.  I could consistently function in the real world.  I could be a little down without worrying I was headed to hell.  I could be energetic without worrying the high would get too high and the crash would be too low.  I miss my issues being small enough that a Diet Coke could bring me all the comfort I needed.

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I miss being a size 2.  So much.  I miss having the self control to lose weight.  I miss looking cute in my clothes.  I miss having only one chin. I miss not feeling frumpy and ugly, always.  I miss being comfortable in my own skin, mentally and physically.

I miss the days that I didn’t know any psychiatrists.  And didn’t have two shelves of medicines.  I miss being dependable.  I miss people trusting me.  I miss doctors trusting me and actually trying to treat physical ailments instead of chalking it up to my Bipolar Disorder.

I miss the days of having a psychiatrist I liked and trusted.  One who gave a damn.  All the others I have ever met just push their agenda or their favorite medications.  None of them want to really hear or understand what my hell looks like.  I miss having insurance that would allow me to see the doctor I like and trust.

I miss having my thoughts make sense.  I miss being able to concentrate on one thought at a time, instead of being bombarded with thoughts that move either too fast through my brain, or fill it up so much I can’t see reality.  I miss stability.

There are so many things I miss.  What do you miss?  What has changed in your life and leaves you wistful?

 

Bit By Bit Step By Step

If you’ve been reading a while, which I hope you have, you know I used to run.  Not fast, most of you could walk faster than I run, but to me, it was running.

Then a medication messed it all up.  I know that sounds lame, how could a medication stop me from running, but it did.  It caused muscle weakness at my extremely high dose.  My doctor had warned me it was a distinct possibility but I didn’t believe him.  Until the day, I was forced to admit, my legs were too weak to run anymore.

The irony?  Running was my main weapon against the Bipolar Disorder.  I would repeat to myself, on a bad day, “outrun the demons.”  And then, the very thing it helped, stole it from me.  I went from training for a half marathon to running maybe two or three sidewalk squares.

Talk about demoralizing.

I got off the medication and I thought, okay, running would come back easily.  It had been somewhat easy after my second and third pregnancies, why would now be different?  But it was.  I didn’t see any progress AT ALL.  I would run inches and have to stop.  My mind would shout at me, “YOU USED TO DO 10 MILES AT A TIME.  YOU WILL NEVER BE A RUNNER AGAIN.”

So, I would quit.  Again and Again.

But today, I went for a walk.  I got up my nerve to try a bit of running.  It felt good.  Over the course of my 2 mile walk, I ran a half mile.  Not much, but enough.  I am so excited.  I am very motivated.  I can’t wait to get out there again.  I’m dreaming again.  I’m thinking about races in September.

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I really want to search for races right now and commit to it.  But I’m scared.  What if I don’t get there and I waste my money?  What if I’m not as far along as I think I am?  What if one of my many current medications sabotages me again?  My mind is not being nice about signing up, making a commitment.

What would you do?  Would you sign up now hoping it will motivate you?  Or do you play it safe and wait until you can run the entire 3.1 miles to sign up?

All the Girls, All the random

School is almost done here.  Our final thing is some Science.  I want to finish our unit on the Solar System.  That’s all.  Nothing more.  I’ve told the girls when they finish that, we are done.

And…they are dragging their feet on doing it.  I mean, come on.  If someone told me I could be done with school if I finished one thing…it would be done that day!!!

But no…Caitlyn says, “I’ll do more tomorrow.”  Sue says, “I want to do it with Grandma with 2 doggies when she visits Friday.”  Yeah, like she’s really going to want to do school work when seeing grandma for the first time since Christmas.

Oh well, we’ll keep schooling until they are done.

Patrice did great in speech therapy last year.  Most of the time she is very easy to understand.  This morning, not so much.  She yelled it to me over and over.  She yelled it over and over to Caitlyn.  She yelled it over and over at Sue.

We got nothin’, but this look.

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Caitlyn is currently refusing to brush her teeth and Sue just perforated my ear drum with her scream because there is a moth in the bathroom.

Apparently, moths are terrifying.  Who knew?!

We couldn’t wait until August, we gave Patrice one of her birthday presents early.

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An Anna dress.  I got a great deal on Amazon.  Hubby doesn’t quite agree, but it was a great deal.  Great!

We’ll have to wait and see what fun the girls provide at our Climb Out of the Darkness.  I am still looking for walkers and donors.  You can register at the highlighted link.  Please join us June 21 at 1 pm in Clarkston at Independence Oaks.  We would love to have you!!

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Can’t come out that day?  We have another fundraiser, as part of the Climb Out of Darkness going on June 26 at Noodles and Company in downtown Royal Oak.  I will have fliers and electronic fliers soon as part of this.  Our Climb gets 25% of all proceeds from those identifying themselves as with our fundraiser.  I will be posting more information like crazy as I have it.

The Dazzling Book Reading

Once upon a time, a beautiful little princess had not the faintest clue how to read.  She couldn’t identify all the letters or their sounds.  Sight words and phonics were nonexistent concepts.  Her interest in trying to put any of it together was absent.  The Queen, a new to homeschooling mama, panicked. What if she never go it or cared?

The Queen decided the one thing she could change immediately was giving the beautiful princess  some motivation.  She went radical and told the princess if she learned to read Fancy Nancy and the Dazzling Book Report perfectly, then the Queen would dye her hair pink and purple.

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We got out the book.

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We grabbed a pencil and developed a system.  Words she knew got circled and those she didn’t got underlined.  It broke the Queens’ book loving heart to write in a book, but she forged ahead with just a few shutters.

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A chart was made representing the approximately 500 words in the book.  Each goal of a hundred got marked off.

The Queen and the Princess would work on it for a week, and then move to other reading books and exercises for a few weeks, come back to the book, go back to others and repeat.  Many times.

Slowly words came together and the Queens’ hair got scared.  The Princess would whisper into the hair, as she improved, “are you scared yet?”  Some days the hair was very scared, some days the hair thought it would never have to change colors, and truthfully, it was sad.

Then all the sudden, something clicked…and words started coming.  And the Queen, had hope.

And last Monday, the Queen realized, this could really be the week.  The words came fast and furious…Thursday the Princess decided to learn the rest by osmosis.

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Then Friday, the King and the Princess did the final reading…

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And there was much rejoicing throughout the kingdom.

Manic Panic (a very appropriate name) semi-permanent hair coloring was purchased–Hot Hot Pink and Purple Haze.

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The King did a fantabulous job applying the color and all were thrilled with the results!

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And truly, there was much rejoicing in the kingdom, again, and again, and again!!!!