My Body Image

“Mommy, your belly is big.”

“Mommy, you’re fat.”

“Mommy, you’re as big as daddy.”

I know the girls aren’t trying to  be mean.  They don’t know what their words do to me.  But man, they hurt.  I try to block them out, I try to laugh them off, but it doesn’t work.  I am back to being the fat kid in school.  The one with fat ugly knees.  And thing is, I am.  I have put on so much weight.  I am the heaviest I have ever been, outside of pregnancy.

One hundred and twenty-nine pounds is what I weighed when I got pregnant with Patrice.  I had worked hard to get the weight off.  It allowed me to avoid sugar issues in my pregnancy with her.

It took me a while, but I got back down to 132 after Patrice was born.  Then medications started curtailing my exercise and others increased my appetite exponentially.

So here I am, big.  Really big.  I hate it.  I hate seeing myself in the mirror.  When I don’t see myself, I can pretend my exercise I am doing is making a difference.  When I do see myself, I see the truth, a very, very overweight woman who obviously doesn’t take care of herself.

I am beyond frustrating.  Since I started exercising and slowly cleaning up my eating…my weight has gone up.  Five pounds up.  I hate it.  I can’t stand it.  I am so ashamed.

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I’m losing hope.

Survive til you Thrive!

8 Responses to My Body Image

  1. I hear you. Recently, I was at my highest weight. It has taken me the same amount of time as my weight loss 9 years ago to get half of this weight off. But, at least I am on my way. I just have to keep telling myself, “Keep on going.” Multiple times a day.

  2. I started a pretty regular workout program back in September of last year. I lost about 9 pounds in the first 90 days, then half-a**ed the second round and didn’t lose anything. This round, I’ve worked out 6 days a week for 2 months, and I’m up 3 pounds up from where I started in September. Here’s what I’ve learned. The scale is a freaking LIAR. Muscle weighs more than fat. It doesn’t matter what the stupid scale says. Listen to your body and how your clothes fit. Feel your energy go up, see your pants get bigger. Ignore the stupid scale. It doesn’t tell the truth. Redirect your kids to see that mommy can lift them up easier. And go for bike rides. And be active with them. Focus on the positive, friend. You’ll get there.

  3. Huge hugs. You did take care of yourself sweetie. You took care of your mental health first so that you could be there for your girls. Now you’re focusing on your physical health. It took a long time to lose the weight. I was heavier than I had been during pregnancy as well. Sending you so much love. You will get there. I know it. Just keep making those small changes. They will add up over time to big changes.

    • So frustrating to be the only woman in my hubby’s family to be overweight. They are all so good and perfect, yet they eat like crazy. I do not get it (says the woman getting ready to take another batch of zucchini cake out of the oven)

  4. Oh, don’t lose hope. You’re so inspiring and so motivating to me and so many. Seriously. And to your girls. They don’t know what the words mean. You can tell them, explain it to them, and hopefully they’ll get that they’re not nice to say – but you’re not allowed to beat yourself up like this, my friend. No. You’re doing awesome. Do NOT let the scale be your guide. It’s evil. Just feel it. Feel you taking care of you, okay?

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