I remember the day I realized I was not living with a temporary mental health concern, but was in actuality living with mental illness. I had just finished with my Psychiatrist appointment, and my thoughts were doing that vague dance they did after every appointment. It was like my emotions and mind knew the doctor and I had discussed something important, something that might change me, but my brain was afraid to face it, so it hid. And my thoughts danced.
One particular Wednesday my thoughts were in a frenzy, dancing faster and faster, until finally I grabbed some and pushed them together. And the truth was born. At the Target snack counter.
I texted it to my cousin. She realized the import before I did.
The Target remodeled, the snack counter is no longer there. My mental illness, on the other hand, is still with me.
Wrapping my mind around something, defining it sets my thoughts at ease, even if I don’t like the reality. This time? Is different. My mind still wrestles with the knowledge. There is still a constant tug-of-war. I have the label, but the understanding remains vague.
I feel tossed and turned. It’s a roller coaster I want to get off, but the Carny keeps letting it go around and around, time after time. My turn, my ride, never ends. The twists and turns are sometimes down into the darkness, as they were this last Thursday. I was full of self-loathing and simply too overcome with emotions to interact comfortably with others. I went through the motions the best I could, but I was really just hanging onto my seat, in the rides spiral down. Last night, it turned a corner and headed higher and higher. Medications that normally knock me out for 10 hours–no affect whatsoever. I slept two hours. And woke up full of blog ideas and guest post thoughts, writing piece after piece in my mind. So many plans for the girls and I.
Honestly, I feel like I could go on for days.
I love where I am right now. It feels magical. It feels great. But in the back of my tumbling mind, I wonder what will come next. I find no comfort or stability. Do I embrace the wild, do I brace for the dark? Do I hide it from my family, or let them see inside my mind?
I know the roller coaster will go up and down, round and round, I have little control over it, but I take my medications, employ safety measures when needed, let a therapist intrude in my life and thoughts, I take the steps I can. Not because I am superwoman, rather, I am coward. I am afraid of heights and I am afraid of falling. The only option is to stay on the roller coaster.
And Round.Survive til you Thrive!