Peeing and Suicide

Peeing.

By deciding to Homeschool, I have given up any hope of ever peeing in peace, alone, or before my bladder is ready to burst.

Part of me wants to say it is the only thing I miss from working outside the home, this now missing luxury.  I worked in a male dominated field.  There were only 4 women in our entire facility.

I got to pee alone.  And while I miss the independence of that activity while at the office I could never walk into that bathroom again.  Not because I don’t work there, but because of the memories.  The thoughts.

It was in those stalls that I sat day after day, week after week, planning my death by suicide.  The pressure grows in my chest and mind just typing about it here in my kitchen 20 miles away.

I loved my girls.  I loved my husband.  I had friends.  I had it all.

I needed out.

Doesn’t make sense, does it?  I know that now.  I knew that then.  The pressure and panic inside of me were so overwhelming.  My mind couldn’t breathe.

It needed out.

I haven’t gotten out.  I’m gaining tools to give my mind other options when the clawing, damning pressure comes.

One day at a time.  I lean on those who love me, those who put up with me.

I have to.  There is no other way.

 

Survive til you Thrive!

4 Responses to Peeing and Suicide

  1. I love you. Thinking of you. You are amazing.

    • Thank you. As you know, the days of strength ebb and flow. Caitlyn once asked me why I like I write so much. I told her, very truthfully, it makes the world make sense to me–good and bad.

  2. Some days the realization that I never (except at work, of course) get to use the bathroom for ANY reason makes me slightly homicidal. 🙂

    While you may never pee in peace again, you are doing amazing things in so many corners of your world, from homeschooling to writing. So….

    Thank you for getting the help you needed when you needed it. Thank you for being a voice for mommas who are lost in the jungle of pain and hopelessness of PPD. Thank you for writing so openly and honestly about your path from where you were to where you are and how not every day is a step forward. Thank you for introducing so many of us to the Semi-Colon Project. (And, in the process, teaching many what a semi-colon is used for in the written word.) Thank you for choosing LIFE for you!

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