Raging Bipolar Charity Style

Welcome to a random look into bipolar Charity style.

I learned a couple years into this mental health shindig that rage is often part of it.  Until then, I thought the times that I lost it were just failures of character on my part.  There was, and is, a lot of shame and guilt concerning how I would react to things. It seemed like such a cop out to say it was the Bipolar causing the rage, but lo and behold, the right meds can help.

I know, I know I didn’t think meds would touch that, because that is just me being a crappy human being right?  But when 3 days after a med adjustment there was noticeable improvement, truly almost complete erasure of my rage, I couldn’t deny it.  The proof was in the pudding.

My mind still defaults to assuming I am horrible.  It tells me I do not deserve the family I have.  It tells me I am unworthy to call myself a Christian.  It screams that my husband is going to leave me if I get upset one more time.

Praise the Lord, he, and my girls, are still here.  They love me through it all and I love them enough to do what I need to be healthy and peaceful.

I love them enough to take the medications that help. I love them enough to say, “mommy needs a time out right now.”  I love them enough to walk outside and pace the yard in order to get the energy out.  I love them enough to let my anger out in the form of tears while hiding in the bathroom.  I love them enough to channel my racing thoughts into a blog post.  I love them enough to listen to my hubby when he tells me to go upstairs and let myself be alone.  And I love them enough to humble myself when necessary to apologize and ask their forgiveness.

It’s not easy.  I want to ignore their feelings.  I want to let my thoughts just rage and rage, but I can’t.  I can’t for them or for me.  We all deserve peace and respect.  So, I fight with everything I have to give it to them.

I breathe in and out.  I bite my tongue, literally.  I force myself to look at those around me when the rage is building.  I want to ignore them and their dignity in order to allow myself the outlet of rage.

That’s not at option.

I deserve respect.

Hubby deserves respect.

Caitlyn deserves respect.

Sue deserves respect.

Patrice deserves respect.

And respect each of us I will.  I will hold back my words as much as possible.  I will apologize when the pain comes out.  I will respect us.

*Disclaimer:  This piece is pretty scary to put out there.  It is scary to admit rage is an issue because I fear people will assume my children are not safe with me.  They are.  Trust me, they are.  I do not take my rage out on them, or anyone, physically.  The vast majority of my rage is held internally.  I am so thankful the medications do help.  They improve the quality of my, and those around me, life.