Welcome to a random look into bipolar Charity style.
I learned a couple years into this mental health shindig that rage is often part of it. Until then, I thought the times that I lost it were just failures of character on my part. There was, and is, a lot of shame and guilt concerning how I would react to things. It seemed like such a cop out to say it was the Bipolar causing the rage, but lo and behold, the right meds can help.
I know, I know I didn’t think meds would touch that, because that is just me being a crappy human being right? But when 3 days after a med adjustment there was noticeable improvement, truly almost complete erasure of my rage, I couldn’t deny it. The proof was in the pudding.
My mind still defaults to assuming I am horrible. It tells me I do not deserve the family I have. It tells me I am unworthy to call myself a Christian. It screams that my husband is going to leave me if I get upset one more time.
Praise the Lord, he, and my girls, are still here. They love me through it all and I love them enough to do what I need to be healthy and peaceful.
I love them enough to take the medications that help. I love them enough to say, “mommy needs a time out right now.” I love them enough to walk outside and pace the yard in order to get the energy out. I love them enough to let my anger out in the form of tears while hiding in the bathroom. I love them enough to channel my racing thoughts into a blog post. I love them enough to listen to my hubby when he tells me to go upstairs and let myself be alone. And I love them enough to humble myself when necessary to apologize and ask their forgiveness.
It’s not easy. I want to ignore their feelings. I want to let my thoughts just rage and rage, but I can’t. I can’t for them or for me. We all deserve peace and respect. So, I fight with everything I have to give it to them.
I breathe in and out. I bite my tongue, literally. I force myself to look at those around me when the rage is building. I want to ignore them and their dignity in order to allow myself the outlet of rage.
That’s not at option.
I deserve respect.
Hubby deserves respect.
Caitlyn deserves respect.
Sue deserves respect.
Patrice deserves respect.
And respect each of us I will. I will hold back my words as much as possible. I will apologize when the pain comes out. I will respect us.
*Disclaimer: This piece is pretty scary to put out there. It is scary to admit rage is an issue because I fear people will assume my children are not safe with me. They are. Trust me, they are. I do not take my rage out on them, or anyone, physically. The vast majority of my rage is held internally. I am so thankful the medications do help. They improve the quality of my, and those around me, life.
Survive til you Thrive!