Raging Bipolar Charity Style

Welcome to a random look into bipolar Charity style.

I learned a couple years into this mental health shindig that rage is often part of it.  Until then, I thought the times that I lost it were just failures of character on my part.  There was, and is, a lot of shame and guilt concerning how I would react to things. It seemed like such a cop out to say it was the Bipolar causing the rage, but lo and behold, the right meds can help.

I know, I know I didn’t think meds would touch that, because that is just me being a crappy human being right?  But when 3 days after a med adjustment there was noticeable improvement, truly almost complete erasure of my rage, I couldn’t deny it.  The proof was in the pudding.

My mind still defaults to assuming I am horrible.  It tells me I do not deserve the family I have.  It tells me I am unworthy to call myself a Christian.  It screams that my husband is going to leave me if I get upset one more time.

Praise the Lord, he, and my girls, are still here.  They love me through it all and I love them enough to do what I need to be healthy and peaceful.

I love them enough to take the medications that help. I love them enough to say, “mommy needs a time out right now.”  I love them enough to walk outside and pace the yard in order to get the energy out.  I love them enough to let my anger out in the form of tears while hiding in the bathroom.  I love them enough to channel my racing thoughts into a blog post.  I love them enough to listen to my hubby when he tells me to go upstairs and let myself be alone.  And I love them enough to humble myself when necessary to apologize and ask their forgiveness.

It’s not easy.  I want to ignore their feelings.  I want to let my thoughts just rage and rage, but I can’t.  I can’t for them or for me.  We all deserve peace and respect.  So, I fight with everything I have to give it to them.

I breathe in and out.  I bite my tongue, literally.  I force myself to look at those around me when the rage is building.  I want to ignore them and their dignity in order to allow myself the outlet of rage.

That’s not at option.

I deserve respect.

Hubby deserves respect.

Caitlyn deserves respect.

Sue deserves respect.

Patrice deserves respect.

And respect each of us I will.  I will hold back my words as much as possible.  I will apologize when the pain comes out.  I will respect us.

 

*Disclaimer:  This piece is pretty scary to put out there.  It is scary to admit rage is an issue because I fear people will assume my children are not safe with me.  They are.  Trust me, they are.  I do not take my rage out on them, or anyone, physically.  The vast majority of my rage is held internally.  I am so thankful the medications do help.  They improve the quality of my, and those around me, life.

 

Survive til you Thrive!

3 Responses to Raging Bipolar Charity Style

  1. I know its scary to open up about anger and rage but its so true that it can absolutely be a symptom of mental illness and I am so glad that you find medication helps and also coping mechanisms to get you past the rough spots. That is what’s important, that you can and will do what it takes to be the best you for your family and yourself.

  2. I am so glad that you found the medication that helps your rage. I would get blind with rage from my PPD and PPA. Once I started weaning, the rage came back. So I upped my dosage, and the rage is mainly gone. I still get angry, but it is not that zero to sixty feeling.

  3. Thank you so much for your words. Your candor about your illness and your journey with it, have helped me feel a bit less alone. I get the rage too. I’ve wondered why I was so angry, and what would happen if I acted on it.

    I’ve hid in shame, and waited in the shadows for it to fade.
    Thank you.

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