Blessing or Curse

I have a blessing or a curse, or maybe a few of them.  One that often strikes me is I don’t “look” or “sound” depressed.  I can sit in a crowd, most of the time, and put on the face, the everything is okay face.

When everything is not okay.  Far from it.

I’ve been struggling the last couple weeks.  This bout isn’t as bad as some and it’s worse than others.  It just is.

Last week the girls and I tried to go to a small Bible Study and Prayer Group at a friends’ house.  I didn’t get very far in the drive before I knew I needed to turn around and go home.  So, for the second time in 2 days, I bribed the girls with a treat, abandoned our plans and went home to hide.

That’s not normal for me.  I’m much more likely to go and be miserable rather than listen to myself and go home.  I was actually a little proud of myself for going home both times.

My therapist was not.  She went on and on about how that was the wrong thing to do, I should have gone, what am I going to do when I can’t bribe the girls anymore?  I found her attitude and demeanor abrasive and judgmental.

Oh well.

This week the girls and I set out to the same group and we made it all the way there.  I wanted to crawl inside myself and run away, but this Friday was better than last, so I made it there.

And then I sat there, smiling and laughing on the outside, struggling greatly inside.  When it was my turn to ask for prayer I realized how ridiculous I must seem.  Smiling, laughing, and telling them I am struggling.  I felt stupid and like a fraud–all because of the face–the blessing or the curse of the face.

Survive til you Thrive!

3 Responses to Blessing or Curse

  1. One of my dear friends in college struggled with depression. I was astounded after she sought inpatient treatment. She was one of the happiest people I know, always smiling. She was smiling on the outside, but miserable on the inside. I think that you show your friends that depression does not look like just one thing.

  2. You are such an amazing mama. And your therapist is a little bit wrong, honestly. You knew what you needed to do for you, to protect yourself. And you did it. And then the next time you went and did what you needed to – and you made it. 🙂 I’m proud of you!

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