I walked 15,000+ steps today on the treadmill.
I hid in my car to cry.
I pulled the covers over my head and hid.
My mind found the precipice and fell off. I am now clawing at the edges of the pit that is depression. My heart hurts. My mind is foggy. I’m not understanding things easily. I canceled plans today because I knew I wouldn’t cope well.
I hate this place. The darkness is so confusing and frustrating and pointless.
But, contrary to what my therapist believes, I don’t have complete choice over coming here. She tells me I can control my emotions. Ironic part is, it is therapy that brought this depression on.
My social anxiety has been growing exponentially. I put off a simple task for 2 weeks because I couldn’t pick up the phone to make a little phone call. I told the therapist. She gave me an assignment to start calling the people who are relatively easy for me to contact and do that until I was more comfortable than when I started. I was supposed to then head up the chain until I reach those it is hardest for me to call.
Doesn’t it sound simple? Yes, it does. Very simple. So straightforward. And so impossible. I don’t know what to do now, but I know that is at the root of this depression. She and my doctor would be proud that I can at least identify that, but how am I supposed to control that visceral response?
So here I am, in the pit.
I want to scream until there is no air in my lungs.
I want to cry until there are no more tears.
I want to stomp my feet until they hurt.
I want to do something to end how I am feeling right now.
But I don’t know what that something is or how to do it.
So here I sit.Survive til you Thrive!