Monthly Archives: January 2016

It’s Complicated

I know I have written this before, but it is a constantly evolving idea and concept for me.  I am guessing I am not alone.

Depression and Faith.  It’s complicated.

Depression.  I can’t pray it away.  I can’t read my Bible enough to get it to go away.  I can’t go to church enough to will it away.

Trust me.  I’ve tried.

The hardest part isn’t any of those things.

I understand that, for me, depression requires medication, exercise, social support, and many manners of self-care.

That still isn’t the hardest part.

The hardest part is the cloud that falls over my faith.  There is a darkness in an area I would expect to find hope and light.  Suddenly, where prayer normally brings such joy and encouragement it, it now brings frustration and a hollow feeling.  My faith now feels suffocating and false.  I know what I believe, and I still believe it, but there is no comfort left there.

I am left mourning two things–the darkness of the depression and the darkness over my faith.

I continue on, seeking hope and healing through the things that help in the natural world, and the things I know to be true in the heavenly world.

It’s all there.  I embrace it all, but it’s complicated.

The Dark

Bipolar is like being afraid of the dark.

The dark is there.

It is scary.

It is intimidating.

It is something that is always there,  but can be gotten through.

Sometimes we can power through the dark on our own.

Sometimes we need help.

But if we keep going there is always the other side.

The other side, may not always be bright sunshine, maybe it is just gray…instead of pitch dark.

But it is there and it is worth getting to.

Annie Jr. on our Doorstep

“It’s a Hard Knock Life,” for our little Sue and a couple hundred other kids!  As I have mentioned on Facebook, Sue is in a local production of Annie Jr. (If you are local our little ham will be performing March 18-20).  She is one of 244 kids in the show!!!  It is the biggest show this theatre has done in its years of productions.

Having Sue in Annie paid dividends here at home this week.  There was some mud to be cleaned off the kitchen floor.  She willingly got down on her hands and knees to scrub it if I played her song:

I’ll take it!!

Praying For A Miracle

Last night I went to my 2nd weight watchers meeting.  I drove past the hospital I have been in twice for depression and anxiety.  The treatment there was so-so, but most importantly it kept me safe, from myself.

As I drove past, I looked longingly at the entrance.  And seriously considered skipping my meeting to check myself in.

The last nine days have been so hard.  I wanted to run away a week ago Sunday.  I was all ready to go, but hubby wouldn’t let me have the keys.  He said there was no way I was going to drive in that state.

I wish he would have let me.

But I am still here.  I am still here trying to be a wife.  Trying to be a mother.  Trying to be a human being.

Dude it’s hard.

At the urging of a friend, I called my doctor yesterday, twice.

Those calls got me an appointment today and a plan with the doctor to rework my meds.  We are going to up at least one of them, see if there others that can be adjusted, and see what can be added.  The adjustments may very well, very likely cause more fatigue and make functioning harder, but that is a risk worth taking right now.

I am praying the doctor and I can come up with a miracle medication concoction.

Almost Done With Week One

I like Weight Watchers, I do.  I like having a  point goal and the personal goal of staying just a point or two below.

It takes extra effort.

Breakfast is pretty simple.  I do an egg in a mug (credit Hungry Girl).  It is 3/4 cup egg substitute, 1 turkey sausage patty, and reduced fat cheese.  I spray the coffee mug with a knock off version of Pam, break up the sausage, microwave 45 seconds, add 3/4 cup substitute, microwave 1:30-2:00, sprinkle with cheese, microwave 30 seconds.  Let cool.  It is so yummy and very, very filling for 3 smart points.

Lunch is a salad, with or without tuna, and raspberry walnut vinaigrette, for 5 smart points.

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I have done a lot more for cooking dinners this week than I am used to.  I cook most days but this is requiring recipes and cutting and chopping of veggies and measuring.  So far hubby has liked the cabbage rolls sautee, rice and beans dish and Fagioli soup.  He has even been taking the leftovers to work for lunch.

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I have been sprinkling in lots of fruits and veggies between meals and making sure I have 5 points left at the end of the day for my cup of hot cocoa (5 smart points).

So far it is working–I think.  I guess we will find out at weigh in Monday night.

You Know What’s Hard?

Okay, I know I am forever coming on here and blogging about what I think is hard.  There are a lot of things I think are hard.  There’s paying attention to life when my medication puts me in a fog of understanding, there’s focusing on my children when the depression or mania are twisting my mind in every direction, there’s leaving my house when I am terrified of the world and that people might talk to me.  And there’s convincing people of the truth.

That’s hard.

I have a truth I desperately need particular people to hear and believe.  I need them to hear my words and know they are said in all honesty.  I need them to know there is even more truth I don’t even know how to express.

The problem is, I have to rely on communication.  And communication itself is flawed.

I remember learning in high school and college how communication is one person, the sender, relaying information to another person, the receiver.  It seems simple and in theory is, but real life is much more complicated.  Each sender and receiver comes to the process with their own thoughts, feelings, assumptions that complicate the process.

Well, I need to find a way to get through all those impediments to express the truth and reality I live in.  Day in and day out.

I’m not sure I know how to do that.  I have 10 days until my first attempt, 13 until the next time I have to get the words out, and ultimately a couple weeks into February to get all the words out perfectly to get three people to understand the truth, understand the life I lead.

That’s really not much time to do all of that.

I Just Need

I just need to write.  I can’t promise it will be articulate or something you want to read, but I need to write.

Yesterday was hard.  Oh so hard.  It started out okay.  I went to church and fell asleep–thanks medication, I came home and ate my lunch as if it was a prisoners last meal in preparation for starting weight watchers tonight.

And the bottom fell out from under me.  I needed to run, I needed to disappear like I haven’t in a long time.  So I went to the treadmill hoping to work some of it out.  I walked and literally cried out to God begging for help.  Begging.  It didn’t come.  So I decided to run away.  I grabbed my purse, coat, and keys.  But hubby refused to let me take the car in my mental state.  So I walked.  I walked until my feel literally could not take it any more.  I needed to run, to escape, but where to go and how to get there.  I didn’t know.  All I knew is I needed to be gone.

What to do?

I decided to reach out to a friend who might know how I feel.

She did.

We talked until my meds finally kicked in and I fell asleep.

Today is better but I still feel very, very raw and quite frankly scared.  Really, really scared.  So what did I do?  I put one foot in front of the other today.  It wasn’t exactly pretty but the girls and I worked on math, reading, Bible, and elections.  The girls checked out microscope slides on their own.

I guess we got a lot done, including getting soup in the crock pot and making zucchini bread, but it did not go in the smooth fashion I had dreamed of.  2016-01-04 12.08.56

I imagined being more hands on and having them more engaged and just walking away from today feeling like a super hero.  Instead, I feel like I limped through today.  I spent the day nursing a headache and feeling scattered in a million directions.

I feel like I depend on the girls to do too much.  Sue did most of the prep for the soup and she and Patrice are doing most of the bread.  I am here overseeing it, but is it too much?

Today was not what I dreamed of.

As usual.  Is there a day that will go as a planned?  Are my dreams realistic?  Can I be the mother and homeschooler I dream of?  Ever?