I Just Need

I just need to write.  I can’t promise it will be articulate or something you want to read, but I need to write.

Yesterday was hard.  Oh so hard.  It started out okay.  I went to church and fell asleep–thanks medication, I came home and ate my lunch as if it was a prisoners last meal in preparation for starting weight watchers tonight.

And the bottom fell out from under me.  I needed to run, I needed to disappear like I haven’t in a long time.  So I went to the treadmill hoping to work some of it out.  I walked and literally cried out to God begging for help.  Begging.  It didn’t come.  So I decided to run away.  I grabbed my purse, coat, and keys.  But hubby refused to let me take the car in my mental state.  So I walked.  I walked until my feel literally could not take it any more.  I needed to run, to escape, but where to go and how to get there.  I didn’t know.  All I knew is I needed to be gone.

What to do?

I decided to reach out to a friend who might know how I feel.

She did.

We talked until my meds finally kicked in and I fell asleep.

Today is better but I still feel very, very raw and quite frankly scared.  Really, really scared.  So what did I do?  I put one foot in front of the other today.  It wasn’t exactly pretty but the girls and I worked on math, reading, Bible, and elections.  The girls checked out microscope slides on their own.

I guess we got a lot done, including getting soup in the crock pot and making zucchini bread, but it did not go in the smooth fashion I had dreamed of.  2016-01-04 12.08.56

I imagined being more hands on and having them more engaged and just walking away from today feeling like a super hero.  Instead, I feel like I limped through today.  I spent the day nursing a headache and feeling scattered in a million directions.

I feel like I depend on the girls to do too much.  Sue did most of the prep for the soup and she and Patrice are doing most of the bread.  I am here overseeing it, but is it too much?

Today was not what I dreamed of.

As usual.  Is there a day that will go as a planned?  Are my dreams realistic?  Can I be the mother and homeschooler I dream of?  Ever?

Survive til you Thrive!

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