As I wrote in this post, embracing and understanding my Christian faith gets complicated when the Bipolar plays mean and the depression makes a home for itself in my life. But it goes beyond there.
I take multiple medications daily to try to keep my Bipolar under control. I work with a doctor and therapist on a very regular basis in hopes of being well.
And I wrestle with how all of this affects my Christian witness to those around me who are not followers of Christ. They see me moaning about the depression, many times flat out wanting to die. They do not see any joy in my Christian walk and they do not see a God big enough to make me all better.
What does that do to my witness?
It feels like it damages my witness. It feels like it damages what people think of the God I say I love and who loves me. I sure don’t exhibit joy in the Lord as I plan ways to die.
I have no idea what to do about it.
Is God disappointed in the witness I am showing of Him? Is He disappointed in my lack of faith? Is He disappointed in how much I rely on my medications and doctors? Is He saddened or angered by my desire to die? Has He turned away from me as I express my need to escape this life at all costs–with little thought of whether or not I will go to heaven if I die by my own hand?*
I don’t know and it worries me. I have no idea what He thinks of me, but I am sad at the damage I see me doing to my Christian witness.
But I don’t know what to do about it.
*I have improved some and am not struggling to the same extent I was a week ago, but there are moments in every day that are exceptionally hard and the depression is still there controlling me in many ways.Survive til you Thrive!