All to the Glory of God–that is why I blog and share my story so openly. I want others to know it is possible to live and parent well with mental illness. This, by necessity, causes my posts to be brutally honest, and that is not always pretty.
I have always endeavored to live by the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Seventeen years ago, wow, has it really been that long?, I made some bad choices, I loved and trusted someone I shouldn’t have, and my found myself in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.
I got out. He dumped me. I was embarrassed, hurt and angry, but still, it was for the best as I got out. My pride would have kept me there but he decided he didn’t want me.
And that’s really okay.
Fast forward 17 years, and I have an amazing life. I have a husband who loves me and endeavors to always take care of me. I have three amazing daughters.
I have it all.
And the memories from that relationship. The hurtful things he said and did and made me believe. I live with those, and unfortunately, so does my husband.
He lives with them when I am afraid to look at him when I think he is upset with me.
He lives with them when I over apologize for something, or sometimes, nothing.
He lives with them when I work myself into a tizzy trying to make him proud of me.
I live with them all the time. When I hear him in my head telling me no one likes me, no one wants to be my friend, without him I wouldn’t have any friends.
When I hear him in my head telling me no one likes me, no one wants to be my friend, without him I wouldn’t have any friends.
When I hear him tell me I don’t know how to dress.
When I hear him tell me I talk too much or too loudly.
When I hear him tell me I do the laundry wrong.
It’s been 17 years. Seventeen years of lies I cannot shake. Seventeen years of his anger I cannot shake. Seventeen years of his voice I cannot unhear.
I walk literally every day with one or more of these things. Wondering how to shake it, wondering how to be free.
How to be free…