Monthly Archives: August 2016

Thought I Knew Better

All to the Glory of God–that is why I blog and share my story so openly.  I want others to know it is possible to live and parent well with mental illness.  This, by necessity, causes my posts to be brutally honest, and that is not always pretty.
I have always endeavored to live by the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Seventeen years ago, wow, has it really been that long?, I made some bad choices, I loved and trusted someone I shouldn’t have, and my found myself in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.

I got out.  He dumped me.  I was embarrassed, hurt and angry, but still, it was for the best as I got out.  My pride would have kept me there but he decided he didn’t want me.

And that’s really okay.

Fast forward 17 years, and I have an amazing life.  I have a husband who loves me and endeavors to always take care of me.  I have three amazing daughters.

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I have it all.

And the memories from that relationship.  The hurtful things he said and did and made me believe.  I live with those, and unfortunately, so does my husband.

He lives with them when I am afraid to look at him when I think he is upset with me.

He lives with them when I over apologize for something, or sometimes, nothing.

He lives with them when I work myself into a tizzy trying to make him proud of me.

I live with them all the time.  When I hear him in my head telling me no one likes me, no one wants to be my friend, without him I wouldn’t have any friends.

When I hear him in my head telling me no one likes me, no one wants to be my friend, without him I wouldn’t have any friends.

When I hear him tell me I don’t know how to dress.

When I hear him tell me I talk too much or too loudly.

When I hear him tell me I do the laundry wrong.

It’s been 17 years.  Seventeen years of lies I cannot shake.  Seventeen  years of his anger I cannot shake.  Seventeen years of his voice I cannot unhear.

I walk literally every day with one or more of these things.  Wondering how to shake it, wondering how to be free.

How to be free…

A Broken Record

As I have mentioned a million times, I love running.  I had to give it up for a while due to foot issues, but that didn’t change my love.  I am done with physical therapy and was given the go ahead to start running again…slowly.  I told the therapist, “at 41 the only running I do is slow” but I knew what she meant and actually got scared about starting and hurting my feet again.

Then, a fellow homeschooler found a cross country team for homeschooled kids starting at Caitlyn and Sue’s ages.  I could not wait to get home and sign them up.  I know other parents say they don’t want to push their kids, but I will fully admit, I am being pushy when it comes to running.

I had no athletic abilities whatsoever growing up.  T-Ball was a bust, ping pong and volleyball were a disaster.  I had nothing.  And it it was hard.  I watched other kids get acceptance and acclaim from sports, but it never happened for me.  Ever.  As much as we say brains are more important, or at least as important, they aren’t, not when it comes to approval.

I never found anything I could do until my 30s when I started running with Wii Fit and then decided to try running for real outside, and I could do it!!  Now, I don’t set any records, but each running goal I have set for myself I have reached, except the half marathon, I am still reaching for that.  And the runners high–I fell in love with it early on.

Call me selfish, I want running for my girls.  Jr. High, er Middle School and High School would have been so much more bearable if I had running.  I want that for them, I do.  Yes, I understand, they may find another sport that suits them better, but for now, I want to give them a place to start, something they can enjoy, something they can excel at no matter what.

I want that for them.

A Hard Reminder

Days come and days go.

Cleaning the house.  No really, I do clean the house.

Chasing kids.

Playing with kids.

Reading books.

Going to church.


I do my thing.

The meds do their thing.

And I wonder why the Bipolar was ever such a big deal.

Until a day happens.  A day like yesterday.

Due to a snafu between the pharmacy and the doctor office, I ran out of one of my anchor meds, one of the big guns that keep me sorted out and stable.  I can miss a dose here and there, but it is truly not a good idea to do so.

But it happens.

And I think, “ah, I’ll be fine.”

That was me yesterday.

I had a list of things to do.

I had all but one of my meds.

No big deal, right?

So I started in on the to-do list.  And the anxiety came.  The hyperventilating.  The shaking came.  Only to be followed by tears.   Until I reached the realization I could not do it all.  That there is a reason I am on several meds and I no longer work outside the home.  I ended up in bed for the afternoon.  I wanted to be all my husband needed me to be, but I just couldn’t.

I, like everyone, have limits, mine are just pretty close and tight.  There is little wriggle room.

The Bipolar is a big deal.


*I got my meds today, I took them as soon as I picked them up from the pharmacy.  Today is a little shaky, but I know I am back on the road to okay.  So thankful for the grace my husband, children, and God extend to me.


All the Signs Are There

The candles tell me it was 10 years ago.

She tells me it was 10 years ago.

The calendar screams it was 10 years ago.

But I don’t believe a word of it.

It was yesterday, I know it.  It has to have been yesterday we welcomed our sweet Caitlyn into our arms.

This little face has to have come into our life just yesterday.

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sorry the picture above is fuzzy2016-08-03 16.48.35This is my beauty at 6 months old.

But alas, she has grown up so much.  She is kind and funny, oh so funny!  She loves to please others.  She worries if there is conflict or duress.  She is thankful for the things that others do for her and with her.  She looks for ways to make others smile.  And she loves to be with her family more than anywhere else.

In short, she is amazing.

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Happy, Happy 10th Birthday my girl!!