Will the Words Come

My mom married young and had me young.  She and my biological dad split when I was 4.  She then met my dad who raised me, right away.  He was a good daddy.  He taught me to tie my shoes, he braided my hair, he painstakingly taught me how to ride a two-wheeled bike.  He could be very harsh and hard to understand, but all in all, he loved me.

I wish I could say the same of my bio dad.  My mom lied to me for many years, taking all the blame for their break up and his lack of involvement in my life.  And I believed her until I got married.

When he declared he couldn’t come up for my wedding, even when my soon to be hubby offered to buy his plane ticket.  He didn’t want to come…to his only child’s wedding.  Did you catch that?  Only.

That’s when it dawned on me that my mom had been lying to me my entire life…she said it was her fault he wasn’t in my life, but it wasn’t.  He could have chosen to be involved, to be a dad, but instead he chose to live several states away, never writing or calling.

He’s never made any effort to see any of my three beautiful girls.  He’s never called to thank  me for sending pictures or ask how they are.  They are his only grandchildren, and they know nothing of him.

And you know what I realized slowly, over the years, he doesn’t love me.  And it is nothing I have done or haven’t done, it just is.  He doesn’t love me.  He has always loved his pets fiercely so maybe if I had four legs, I would be worthy of his love, but as a biped, I am worthy of nothing.  Absolutely, none of his love.

I could tell you it’s okay.  I could tell you I have love from many other people, and I do, but that doesn’t make up for it.

I watch how my hubby loves his daughters, fiercely, daily, constantly.  It is beautiful and I am so glad they have that–so glad.  But sometimes it just serves to remind me what I don’t have from the man who is supposed to be my dad.  It’s gone, maybe it was never there, but it sure won’t be returning.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, it stinks to realize you biological father doesn’t love you.

Survive til you Thrive!

5 Responses to Will the Words Come

  1. I can’t imagine how much it hurts. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to be sad forever. Maybe he’s doing the best can, bit. his best sucks and you deserve better.

  2. I feel this so much, sweet friend! I will never understand how my father could choose to live without his daughters, but here we are: he has told us both that we make his mental illness worse (it couldn’t be that he refuses treatment?) and he “can’t” be in contact. I let him go before he said that, because I realized that he couldn’t love me. My mom covered for him for a long time, too.

    It is ok that it always hurts when our parents fail us on such a fundamental level. A deep part of our beings knows that it’s not ok. I think of it as a sort of survival mechanism – kids who don’t have this basic need met might always feel a little skittish. I hope this makes sense. My point is that you are not alone, and that we are loved no matter how much we are hurting, now. We don’t have to hide, or to be good enough.

    • That being good enough. I think you are on to something there. My bio dad couldn’t get past himself to love me, obviously, and my step-dad who raised me was a perfectionist who could never be pleased (as observed by my hubby). I bust my butt to be good enough for my husband and he spends hours trying to figure out why I am trying so hard when he loves me just the way I am. It is a frustrating circle for us.

      I haven’t heard in 16 years, but last I knew my dad had again gone off his meds, so I hear you there.

      Thank you for your time and kind words.

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