There’s No End

Today it is fall.  That may not be true later this week when temperatures go up again, but for today…it is fall.

And life is busy.  Always on the go.  The kids have a ton of activities.  Hubby and I have appointments.  I never dreamed homeschooling would have me out of my house so much 😉

I had taken a break from running after completing my half marathon on September 17.  At first, to rest my body, then due to the outrageous heat, but this week it was time to get it back in gear.  So there is my running.  And new plans to again run a half marathon next fall.  A year from now.  Not in September again.  I do not want to risk running 13.1 miles in those temperatures again.  And I really need to lose 20 lbs before the next go at that distance.  More would be better, but the goal is 20, so I am researching what might work for the whole family.  I am at a loss, so if you have any ideas…

There is also the more immediate.  Sue got a named role in A Christmas Carol.  Rehearsals begin Tuesday…while cross country is still underway. I am not sure how that is going to shake out.  I am really hoping to know more after that first rehearsal Tuesday.

Then there is our day to day schooling, homeschool co-op, church, and spending time with dear friends.

It is all good.  And I love it, though it may overwhelm me at times.

And yet, somewhere in the last few days I began to feel this tug, this tapping at the back of my mind.  Reminding me of something…it whispered at me.  But I could not bring the thought to light.

Until yesterday.

Today is the beginning of October.

Seven years ago that was a tough spot for me.  I loved my girls, yet I was falling apart.  Postpartum Depression, anxiety, and ultimately psychosis tried to destroy me.

I loved my family, yet I was falling apart.  Postpartum Depression, anxiety, and ultimately psychosis, tried to destroy me.  I was fighting a battle against my mind of intrusive thoughts, of how my girls would be better off without me, how I should just disappear so they could get onto life without me, I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t stop moving.  It was dark and muddled in my mind.

I survived, obviously, and am proud to be here every day to love those in my life, to work to be stronger and healthier, but there is a stain that no one tells you about.  Those intense days of fighting against depression, anxiety, and psychosis leave a stain, a darkness on that time in your life that you carry.  All the time.

Fall is no longer the same for me.  The leaves still change colors and are breathtaking.  It still becomes jeans and sweater weather again.  It is finally cool enough to cook again.  But the stain of what happened is still there.  And it still hurts.

But no matter how much it still hurts, I have something the darkness does not have…me.  I survived to talk about it 7 years later.  I am still here to run half marathons.  I am still here to watch my girls learn and grow.  I am still here to fuss at my husband and to always lose control of the mess in my house.

I am still here.

If you, or someone you know is struggling after having or adopting a baby, whether it be mom or dad, be assured there is help, there is hope.  Please contact the amazing people at Postpartum Support International for helping finding local doctors and support as well as on-line help and support.  1 in 7 women suffer from postpartum mood disorders.  You and those you know or love are not alone.  Reach out.  Get help, get hope, get well.

Survive til you Thrive!

2 Responses to There’s No End

  1. I love you, my friend. You are not only still here, you are THRIVING.

    We have a similar relationship with fall for different reasons, but I feel you.

  2. The world is so much better for you still being here

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