Our family does some volunteering that I love. It involves helping people, meeting amazing people, living and loving with people very intentionally and hopefully well.
It has been the joy of my life to have this opportunity over the last several years. Truly. It can be an emotional work being truly in people’s lives, but I recommend it 200%.
The last couple of weeks has been incredibly rewarding as we have met new families and are getting to know them as they build their lives. But when I tell you it is exactly where I want to be, I am not kidding or exaggerating.
It has even given me many, many opportunities to use the Arabic I have been studying for the last 5 years. And it has been amazing. Challenging and exhausting. Exposed my weaknesses while encouraging me in how much I have actually learned.
My kids are working hard and succeeding in their studies. They are really great and fun kids. They continue to me witty, heartwarming, thoughtful, and smart…seriously, I can’t complain.
The only problem is me.
I hate myself.
I cried on my run today while considering my day.
Every interaction I have is tainted by how much I talk. I talk too much. It’s not because I want to monopolize the conversation. I truly can’t help it.
And it ruins me after every social interaction. I often say I am afraid to be around people. That is not incorrect but to put a finer point on it, I hate who I am around people. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. Actually, my whole body hurts.
I also hate the feeling that people really don’t want me around. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop–walking on eggshells because I am sure people are angry with me and going to yell at me. I don’t intend to be needy or desperate but I am scared–all.the.time.
Scared of friends. Scared of family. Scared of acquaintances. Scared the things I love will be taken away from me as punishment. It never ends.
My life is amazing. I only wish…